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How to be a Fulfilled and a Fulfilling Wife By Wayne Mack

Turn with me in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5 verses 22 through 24 and then verse 33.
Ephesians 5, 22 through 24 and Ephesians 5 verse 33 as we consider the subject of how
to be a fulfilled and fulfilling wife or how to be a fulfilled woman after the wedding.
Let us be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church,
he himself being the savior of the body.
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Verse 33, nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife as himself
and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.
Some time ago I heard Dr. James Boyce who is the pastor of the 10th Presbyterian Church
in Philadelphia and also the speaker on the Bible study hour tell about an incident that
happened at his wedding a number of years ago.
He said that at the wedding the pastor read this passage from the word of God and made
some comments on it and after the wedding was over and they were standing in the reception line,
a woman came up to Dr. Boyce and his wife and said,
Well, I have never heard such things in all of my life.
He said, What things?
She said this business about the wife being in submission to her husband.
He said, Oh that disturbs you, did it? Yes.
She said, And as soon as I get home, I'm going to cut that passage out of my Bible.
Now, there are a lot of people who get somewhat distressed and disturbed about this passage
of the word of God and they'd like to cut it out of the scriptures.
But you see, if you begin to cut this teaching out of the word of God, you'll not only have
to cut out Ephesians 5, you'll have to cut out a lot of other passages as well.
This is one of the most controversial passages in the word of God in our day with the women's
lived movement and the ERA and a lot of other things that are going around today.
And this passage has been attacked with fury.
Some have suggested that the apostle Paul was a male chauvinist and that's why he wrote
this particular passage.
They said that he was a crotchety old bachelor who just hated women and because he hated
women and he thought that men had a good thing going for them, he just put this in the word
of God.
Others have said, Well, maybe Paul wasn't a male chauvinist, but he was mistaken.
He was bound by the views of his culture and around him there were people who believed
that women ought to be in submission and so Paul just conformed to the ideas that were
prevalent in society at that time.
Others have said, No, Paul wasn't mistaken, but we have been mistaken and they suggest
that men have misinterpreted this passage of the word of God.
I read a book just recently by a very well-known marriage counselor who said that this is one
of the most misunderstood chapters in the word of God and he tried to prove from this
particular passage that Paul wasn't saying that women should be in submission at all.
Others have said, Well, here's what really happened.
Paul was accommodating himself to the views of his culture.
He just didn't want to make an issue of this particular matter.
Now they say Paul didn't really agree with what society was saying.
He just accommodated himself because he didn't want to get into a big fuss over this issue.
He thought that there were more important issues, the matter of how a person is saved
and some of these other things, so he just kind of bypassed this and overlooked it even
though he knew that it really wasn't right for a woman to have to be in submission to her husband.
Now these are charges that are being thrown around very freely and so we need to answer
them just a bit.
First of all, it's important to note that the New Testament demonstrates Paul's high regard
for women.
Paul was not a male chauvinist.
He was not a crotchety old bachelor who hated women.
The Word of God makes it clear that he had a tremendous regard for and respect for women.
Read through Romans chapter 16 and again and again he expresses his affection and his respect
for women.
One woman after another he commands, Phoebe, she's a servant of the church at Centria,
respect her highly, receive her.
And he goes on to talk about the mother of Rufus who is not only his mother but my mother.
And he talks about other women who were of note in the work of the gospel.
And of course in Philippians 4 he talks about Euodius and Seneca and how they struggled
and labored in the gospel and he evidences his tremendous love and affection for these
women as well as his respect for them.
And two, it's important to remember that the Bible was not merely written by fallible men.
I mean what we have in Ephesians 5 is not simply the opinion of a sinful, fallible man.
What we have here is the will of God for all scripture is given by inspiration of God
and is profitable.
So if Ephesians 5 verses 22 and following is mistaken then God was mistaken and we know
that's not true for as for God his way is perfect and God never makes a mistake.
And two, the argument that men have misinterpreted this passage can be answered by saying surely
they have.
Some have intimated that the submission of the wife means that the wife is inferior to
the husband.
There have been some who on the basis of this have actually said that.
They've said that the wife is inferior to the husband.
Well that's not so.
The Bible nowhere teaches that submission implies inferiority.
When Jesus Christ was here on earth the Bible says he was subject unto Mary and Joseph.
Here he was, the very son of God.
He had created Mary and Joseph and yet he was subject to them.
He was submissive to them.
That didn't make him inferior.
It just meant that for the purposes of redemption while he was as a man growing up he was in
submission to his mother and father and submission has nothing to do with inferiority or superiority.
It just means that people have different functions and different responsibilities.
I'm not inferior to the policeman and yet I'm in submission to him.
When he puts up his hand I stop.
I was on my way home last night heading down Street Road and there were all kinds of lights
flashing up ahead of me and all of a sudden I saw a policeman waving his flashlight and
putting up his hand and you know what I did?
I stopped.
I was in submission to the policeman.
That didn't mean I was inferior to him.
It just meant that he had authority and he had responsibilities that I didn't have and
to have a good functioning society someone has to be in authority and others have to
be in submission.
So it is in the home.
It has nothing to do with inferiority or superiority.
Some have also misinterpreted this passage and thought that it means that the wife is
incapable of great achievements.
They thought that the work of the wife isn't very important but again this isn't so.
If the Bible teaches anything it teaches that a woman is capable of tremendous achievements.
I mean how anybody could say something like that and read Proverbs 31 verses 10 through
31 I'll never know.
That woman in Proverbs 31 was some kind of woman.
Scripture says who can find a virtuous woman her price, her value is far above rubies.
The Hebrew literally says this.
It says who can find a woman of many parts?
Does that mean she has arms, legs, eyes, ears?
No.
Hopefully she does have those but that's not what it means.
What it means to be a woman of many parts is described in the rest of the text.
It means that she has a lot of interests.
She has a lot of involvement in many different things and God says that's good.
That's terrific.
He says she sees a field and she buys it.
She's involved in real estate.
She can sew.
She's respected in the community.
She's involved in humanitarian and philanthropic activities because she stretches out her hand
to the needy.
This is no one-note Sally who is sitting in the background as a wallflower.
She's a vibrant woman who is alive and achieving and accomplishing things in life and God says
that's great.
God doesn't give anyone, whether that person be a woman or a man, gifts that he does not
want to use and God has in very wonderful ways used women.
So whatever the submission of the wife means, it doesn't mean that she's incapable of great
achievements.
There are others who have interpreted this passage to mean that the wife should never
have an opinion, should never give advice, or never disagree with her husband.
And whenever the wife does offer an opinion or give advice or disagree with her husband,
he pulls out his Bible and he says, Lady, the Bible says you're to be in submission
to me and I'm the head of this home and don't you forget it.
And here's the badge to prove it.
He wears his uniform and he wears his badge and he uses his Bible as a club to bring her
under submission.
And he has the idea that the wife should never really give advice.
But certainly that isn't the teaching of the word of God either because in Proverbs 31
Verse 26, the Bible says of God's kind of wife that she opens her mouth.
Now she doesn't just open her mouth, but she opens her mouth with wisdom.
She makes sure that when she says something, it ought to be heard.
She thinks about it.
The heart of the righteous studies to answer.
She thinks, is this the best way to say it?
Is this what ought to be said?
Is this the best time to say it?
And do I have the right spirit as I say it?
And she thinks through all of these things and then she opens her mouth with wisdom and
the scripture says the law of kindness is on her tongue.
She's a woman who has something important to say, but she's careful that she says something
important and she says it in the right way.
So whatever the submission of the wife means, it doesn't mean that she doesn't contribute
good suggestions to her husband.
And then there's the charge of Paul being accommodating to his culture and not wanting
to make an issue and get into a fuss over the wife's submission.
Well, it is true that scripture at times does reflect the customs of the first century.
For example, in 1 Corinthians 16 and verse 20, the Bible says that the Corinthians were
to greet each other with a holy kiss.
I didn't see you doing that this morning when you came in.
I mean, I didn't see you greeting each other with a kiss.
And so apparently you don't think that that's something which has to be carried out specifically.
There are some other instances in the word of God where the same thing is evidenced where
there are customs which were particularly relevant to the first century.
And we say, well, that was a custom of that day and we don't need to carry it out today.
But you see, while the custom of greeting one another with a holy kiss isn't an absolute
standard that needs to be carried out today, the principle behind the custom does need
to be carried out.
And what's the principle behind the custom?
That is concern, love, affection, friendliness toward other people.
And today what we do is shake somebody else's hand or we give them a pat on the back or
we say hello or good morning or whatever.
And we have different ways of expressing our affection, but we still express affection.
And that's what 1 Corinthians 16 and verse 20 is teaching.
It's teaching that Christians are to love one another.
It's teaching that Christians are to express their love for one another.
Now, the teaching of the wife's submission is not a custom.
It's a principle.
In different cultures, the specifics of submission may be worked out differently.
For example, in some cultures, a woman's submission is denoted by the fact that she
wears a veil over her face and no one sees her face except her husband.
And in those cultures, if a wife would not wear a veil over her face, it would be an
indication that she was not in submission to her husband.
But that isn't what it means here.
If a woman wore a veil over her face here, they'd wonder what in the world was wrong
with her face.
And here it has nothing to do with the submission of a wife to her husband.
But what I'm saying is that the principle of submission, though it may be expressed
in different ways, it is an absolute principle which was not only binding on
first century women, it's binding on 20th century women and it's binding on women
who are married until the day that Jesus Christ returns.
That's made clear by 1 Corinthians 11 verses 8 through 10 and 1 Timothy 2 verses
9 through 13.
Those two passages stress that this was God's will for a woman since the time of
the creation.
Now the truth is that many people have misinterpreted what it means for the wife
to be in submission.
And I want to share with you what the Bible really means when it says,
lives be in submission to your husbands.
First of all, it's important to understand that the wife's submission brings true
fulfillment to the woman.
If you want to be a truly fulfilled and fulfilling woman, God says be in submission
to your husband.
His ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.
Now that's not the way that an unsaved person looks at it.
But God said of course the unsaved person won't look at it that way because his
ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.
For as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his thoughts above our
thoughts and his ways above our ways.
Unsaved man thinks that God or whoever gave this command gave it to the woman so
that she would be miserable.
And if she obeys it, she's going to be miserable.
God says no, I gave this command that it might be well with you.
God isn't some nasty despot who wants to make people miserable.
No, God gives his commands because obedience to those commands will be good for us.
When God gave the Ten Commandments in Deuteronomy 5, you'll find this statement
made on several occasions in reference to those commands, that it may be well with
you, that it may be well with you, that it may be well with you.
People look at the Ten Commandments and say, oh boy, that's binding, it's
restricting, it robs all the joy out of life.
God says no, if you do this, it will be well with you.
Jesus said if ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.
And happiness comes from obeying God.
Now some of the most fulfilled and happy women that I know are women who delight
in being in submission to their wife.
Oh yes, if they're fighting it, then they're miserable.
But if they understand what it means and are willing to fulfill it, God
blesses them and brings true happiness.
Now I know that not only from the experience of many modern day women, but I
know that also because the word of God says that his commandments are not grievous.
His burden is easy and his yoke is light.
And Jesus said in Luke 11 and verse 28, blessed are they who not only
hear the word of God, but keep it. And the problem is that in
our day, we have a wrong definition of what constitutes true success and true
fulfillment. The world's concept of success or
fulfillment is described by Jesus in Mark the 10th chapter
verse 37 and verse 42. Listen to what he said.
Here were some disciples who came to Jesus and he said to
them, what do you want me to do for you? And they said to him, grant that we may sit
in your glory, one on your right and one on your left. Lord, we want to be your
chief man. We want to sit right beside you. One of us will sit
right here and the other will sit here. You're the king and we want to be right there with you, ruling.
And their concept of real success and real fulfillment was sitting on a throne
in a position of prestige and power. And Jesus in verse 42
said, you know that those who are recognized as
rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them and their great men
exercise authority over them. Jesus says the world interprets greatness
in terms of the exercise of authority. But he says that's
not the way it really is. A great man says Jesus
is not necessarily the person who sits on the throne, who gives order, who exercises
authority, who dominates people. That's not greatness, said Jesus. No, he said
I want to tell you who's great. I want to tell you what constitutes success.
Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant
and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all.
For even the son of man, the lord of glory, the king of kings, the son of God,
for even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give
his life a ransom for many. Jesus said the way up is down.
He said the greatest person, the most successful person, the most
fulfilled person is the person who has devoted himself to serving
other people. True greatness or fulfillment
according to the word of God is being and doing what God wants you to do.
And if God wants you to be in submission and you're in submission
fulfilling God's purpose for your life, then my dear lady, you're a
fulfilled woman. You're a worthwhile woman. You're a successful woman. And in God's
eyes, you're a great woman as well. And so submission brings true
fulfillment. Secondly, it's important to note that the wife's
submission is to be aggressive and positive. I think
that a lot of the opposition to the teaching of the wife's submission
has come because people do not have a real understanding of what submission
means. Some of it has come because of the sinful rebellion of a
sinner's heart. You know, we're sinners and we don't want anybody to reign over us.
Jesus told that story. He said that a certain king sent a servant and
his son to rule over some people and they say, we will not have this man to reign over us. And
in Psalm 2, the Bible talks about the sinfulness of men, how they get
together and they counsel, take counsel against the Lord's anointed and said, let's break our
bands and let's cast these restraints asunder and let's be our own boss. We don't want anybody to
reign over us. And some rebellion against the teaching of submission is just an evidence of our
sinful hearts and the sinful hearts even of women that they don't want anybody to reign over them.
But some of it has come because people have misunderstood what the Bible really means.
They've thought that submission means that the woman is passive and she's a
wallflower and she doesn't have many capabilities and that she can't really be aggressive
and she can't really do anything positive. But it's my conviction that the
Bible's teaching about submission means that the woman ought to be very
aggressive. It means that she has a tremendously positive
ministry. In our day,
we could use the word submission to describe
what happens on a football team. Now, when I was in high school
and college, I played football and I was never the quarterback.
I never called a play. In fact,
there was only one time in the 10 years that I played football that I ever ran the football
across the goal line and that was a fluke. The ball popped out of somebody else's
hands into mine and I just ran down the field and made a touchdown.
But I was still part of that football team and I never felt squelched. You know, I never
thought, I'm not very important. I'm not going to cooperate with the quarterback
because I don't call the plays on this particular team. It didn't mean that I was
passive. I was very active. I was very aggressive.
I had a lot of spirit and I fought and I stroked, but I used all
of my abilities and talents and strength and energy under
the authority of the quarterback.
He was the quarterback. He called the plays and once he had called the plays, I said,
okay, if that's the play you called, I'm going to give it all I've got to help
you get the ball across the goal line. Now, before he called the plays, there were times when I
said, hey, you know this fellow who's right across the line from me? He's a cream puff.
I can handle him. Call a play that goes right over my
position and I'll get him out of the way and I think we can make some yardage. And if he
was smart, when I made that suggestion, there would be times when he would call
that play and he did. But if he decided not to call that play,
it would have been stupid for me to say, huh, he doesn't care what I think.
So I'm just not going to do anything on this particular play. I'm just going to stand there and
criticize him and tell him how lousy he is. That would have been ridiculous for me to do that.
And I never did it. In all the years I played football, when he called a play, I never argued with him.
I just carried out my responsibility on the play that he called,
even though in my heart I may have disagreed with the play that he called and thought that maybe
there was a better call. And if the play failed, I never once came back to the huddle and
said, I told you so. If you don't listen to me,
that wouldn't have happened. You see, submission means that
there is authority. Somebody has the final decision. Somebody makes the final
call. And submission means that once that final decision has been
made, I don't argue, I don't strive, I say, all right,
I might have called a different play, but since you called the play, I'm going to give it all
I've got. I'm on your team. I'm going to help you to get the ball across the goal line.
And when we got the ball across the goal line,
I got satisfaction out of knowing that I was a part of carrying the ball across
the goal line. Submission means that the wife finds out
what her husband's aspirations are, what her husband's goals are, what her husband's
plans are. She feeds her ideas into her
husband's mind. She suggests things to him. She tries to give him all the input that
she can possibly give him. And then she allows him to make the decisions that he
wants to make. And once he has made those decisions, she says, now how can I
best help him to fulfill those goals? How can I best help him to fulfill those plans?
What abilities and gifts and talents has God given to me so
that I can be a good teammate to my husband and I can help him fulfill
the goals and plans and aspirations that he has for this
family and for our lives together? The woman has to know what the goals of her
husband are, what his plans are. She needs to ask him lovingly some questions. She needs to
come to her husband and say, honey, here I am. All of
me is at your disposal. However you want to use me,
that's all right. If you want me to lead interference around the end and block the linebacker,
that's okay with me. If you want me to take out the man across the line from
me, that's okay with me. If you want me to pull back and defend
the passer while we throw a pass, it's okay with me. I have these abilities and
gifts and I want you to know that they're all at your disposal. However, you want
to use them. Here they are. That's submission. It's taking your gifts and aggressively
and positively using them to fit in with the plans of the one that
God has given to you to do your hurt. Now if you fight that plan,
you're not going to be fulfilled. But if you cooperate with him,
you'll be amazed at how you'll encourage him to take into consideration what you think
and to listen to some of your suggestions and you'll be amazed at the sense of
fulfillment that will come to you so that when you do have an accomplishment, it'll not just be,
well, my husband did it, but it'll be we did it. As I said, when we got the ball
across the goal line on the football team, it wasn't just the halfback or fullback who got the sense of
satisfaction. It wasn't just the quarterback. It was all of us. And we jumped up and we hugged each other, you know, and it
was great because we all had a part in it, even though only one man on that team called
to play. That's submission. It means that the wife is to be aggressive
and positive in being her husband's teammate. Then thirdly,
the wife's submission is to be a spiritual matter.
Now that's brought out very clearly by Ephesians 5. The text
says, wives, be submissive to your own husbands as to the Lord.
Now what's that mean? Well, it means that the wife's
submission to her husband is a spiritual matter.
It means that the woman who is not submissive to her husband is not really
being un-submissive to her husband. She's being un-submissive to God
who told her to be in submission to her husband.
It's a spiritual matter. And the way that a woman submits to her husband
is an evidence of and a test of her spirituality.
She's got to understand that it is her Lord who tells her
to be in submission to her husband. And if a Christian is anything, according to Romans
10 and verse 9, a Christian is a person who has confessed Jesus as Lord.
And I frequently tell people when they come in for counseling
that you know how you could spell the word Lord
in another way that perhaps would be more easily understood in this
20th century? I have a board behind my desk
and I frequently put the words L-O-R-D on the board and then I put an equal
sign and alongside of it I write another word with four letters and you can spell
the word Lord, B-O-S-S, boss. To confess
Jesus as Lord means that you confess Jesus as your boss. Now
ladies, it's your boss who says that you're to be in submission and your husband
isn't your boss, God is your boss. And failure to submit to your husband
is rebellion against God. But this matter
of submission is spiritual in another
sense. It's spiritual in the sense that
being in submission is something the Holy Spirit
has to help you to do. To really be in submission takes the work of the
Spirit of God. And only women who are
indwelt by the Spirit of God, filled with the Spirit of God, can truly submit
to their husbands in the way that the Bible is talking about.
One of the evidences that a woman is filled with the Spirit of God
is that she'll submit to her husband. Here in Ephesians 5, before Paul
ever said, wives, be submissive to your husbands, he said, be
filled with the Spirit. And then he said,
do you want to know how you can tell that you're filled with the Spirit? Well, here's
how you can tell. As a husband, if you're filled with the Spirit, you'll
love your wife, even as you love yourself. The Holy Spirit will help you to do that.
If you're a woman, if you're filled with the Spirit, you'll submit yourself to your
husband, as unto the Lord. I had a woman come for counseling
who told me that she had been filled with the Spirit, and she told me that
she had spoken in tongues, and a lot of these other
spectacular evidences of the filling of the Spirit. But this woman was filled with bitterness,
she was filled with resentment, she was filled with anxieties, and most of her bitterness and resentment
was against her husband. And I sat there, and as she told me about how she was
filled with the Spirit, and yet told me about her bitterness and resentment, I was thinking in my own mind, Lady, you may be
filled with a lot of things, but you're not filled with the Spirit. You're filled with
bitterness, you're filled with resentment, but you're not filled with the Spirit. Because 2 Timothy
1.7 says, God hasn't given to us the spirit of fear, but God has given to us the spirit
of love, and God has given to us the spirit of power, and God has given to us
the spirit of self-control. God has given us love,
not bitterness and resentment. You've got resentment and bitterness. If you were filled with the Spirit, you'd be filled with love.
If you were filled with the Spirit, you'd have power to love him even when he wasn't lovable.
And you'd have power to control yourself so that you wouldn't say many of the things that you do say.
You see, this matter of the wife's submission is a spiritual matter, and ladies, you ought to
be looking to the Holy Spirit to help you to submit yourself to your husband in a God-ordained
way, and if you'll do that, the Holy Spirit will give you the power to do it. No, you don't have the power
to do it in your own strength, but you don't need to do it in your own strength. The Holy Spirit will help you
if you'll depend upon him and trust him. But then, fourthly,
the submission of the wife, according to the word of God, is to be an
unconditional matter. Notice the Bible says wives be subject to your husbands
as to the Lord. Now, when I became a Christian, every area of my life
came under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. If I were to compare
my life to a circle,
at the center of this circle would be the Lord. He's
the center of my life. He's also the circumference of my life.
Now, I can chop my life up into a number of different areas.
For example, there is my own spiritual life, my own
relationship with God. Now, that comes under the Lordship of Christ.
There is the matter of my marriage, and Christ
is Lord of my marriage. There is the matter of my
physical life. Christ is the Lord of my body. He's the Lord
of my exercise. He's the Lord of my sleep. And I turn to him and I need to be
asking him, Lord, what do you want in this area of my life? I can't divorce
this area of my life from him. I can't divorce this area of my life from him.
I can't divorce my spiritual life from him. There's the area of my finances. That's another area
of my life. I can't say, well, Lord, you can have charge of my physical life, you can
have charge of my marriage, you can have charge of my spiritual life, but when it comes to the matter of my finances,
I'll decide how I make money and I'll decide how I spend money. No, he's my Lord.
And he's the Lord not simply of some areas of my life, he is the Lord of
every area of my life, and I turn to him to ask him, Lord, what would you have me to do
in every area of my life? There's the matter of my social contacts.
Lord, what's your will about my friends? How should I relate to people? What kind of
friends should I have? And right around here as far as my recreation,
as far as the mental area of my life, every area of my life is to be
under the umbrella of the sovereignty of God.
Scripture says we confess him as Lord, and as a Christian, I don't shut him
out of any area of my life. I don't say, well, Lord, 95% of my life you can come in, but there's that closet, you stay out.
No, in every area of my life as a Christian, I should be concerned about
what Jesus Christ wants. Well, Scripture says wives, be submissive
to your own husbands in everything, Ephesians 5 and verse 24.
Verse 22 says, wives, be submissive to your husbands as to the Lord.
Now that means that your submission is to be unconditional.
You don't say, well, let's see, now in this area my husband has a lot more
intelligence and experience than I do, so I'll allow him to be
in charge there. But over in this area I'm a lot smarter than he is.
I have more intelligence, I have a lot more experience, so I'll take over in that area. You kind of pick and choose
as to where you'll obey your husband and where you won't obey your husband. No, you don't do that
with Jesus Christ. And let me say, there are a lot of times
when we as human beings think we're smarter than God. We say, Lord,
we read his word and God says, do something, we say, that doesn't make sense to me.
Do you ever do that? The Lord says, look, if you have sinned
against someone else after they've sinned against you, you go and confess your faults to them, and you say,
wait just a minute, Lord, he was the first to sin. He should be the first that
comes and asks me for forgiveness. And if I go and ask him for forgiveness, I'll be saying
to him that I was the one who was wrong and he'll take advantage of me.
That doesn't make sense, Lord. And we can think that we're smarter than God
is in some areas and we'll want to take over in those areas. And the same thing happens in the home.
That wives can begin to think, well, I really know more in this area than my husband
does, so it only makes sense that I take over. No, God says, wives, be in
submission to your husband in everything. Now, if the husband is intelligent,
if the husband is wise,
there will be some areas where he recognizes that his wife does have more intelligence
and more expertise than he does, and he will say, honey,
you have the responsibility in that area, and you can make whatever decision
you want to make, and I won't disagree with you unless I'm really convinced
that it's contrary to the revealed will of God. There are some husbands who want to get into every
area, you know, they want to tell their wives what they ought to buy and tell their wives how they ought to cook and
how they ought to clean the house and all of these things, and that's ridiculous.
You know, I think they ought to turn these areas over to their wives and say,
honey, that's your area, and you can do what you want
within reason in that area. But the point is, even at that point, the wife
should be concerned, what does my husband think about? What would please my husband?
It's like, I can't turn to the word of God for every little detail of my
life and find that the Lord Jesus is telling me specifically what I ought to do in every
little detail. Now, I can turn to the word and find broad principles which apply in every situation,
but he doesn't give us a book of rules and regulations about what we should do in every
particular little nitpicking situation. No, he
expects us to take those broad principles and apply them in the existential
moment.
And in every situation, I'm saying, Lord, what do you want me to do?
Lord, should I buy this new suit or should I not?
You can't turn to the word of God and say, Wayne, thou shalt buy this suit or thou shalt not
buy this suit. But still, I want to please my Lord.
And so in that situation I say, Lord, would it be your will for me
to buy this suit? Do I really need this suit? And I take Jesus Christ into
account in every area of my life and in every decision that I make. Hopefully I do that. Sometimes
simply I don't. But I ought to take Jesus Christ into account in every
situation of my life. Well, just so, though the wife makes decisions on her own in areas
where she has delegated responsibility and authority, in those areas she still
ought to have a concern about pleasing her husband. Even as
in the last session we saw that in everything the husband does, he ought to be thinking about
his wife. He ought to be concerned about the needs of his wife. So the wife's
submission is to be unconditional and it is to be comprehensive.
Now the next thing that I want to mention about the wife's submission is that the wife's
submission is a limited matter. Now that may seem
to be contradictory. I've just said that the wife's submission is an unconditional matter.
It's a comprehensive matter. Now I turn around and say that the wife's submission is a limited
matter. What do I mean by that? Well, if I were
an artist and able to draw very well, or if I
had an overhead projector here, I'd flash something on the screen for you. What I mean is this in
reference to the wife's submission being a limited matter. Let's assume
that that's an umbrella. Use your own imagination and that's an umbrella.
Now the umbrella represents God's authority.
Now under God's authority we have the husband.
Now remember that the husband's authority is always a delegated
authority. The husband does not have executive authority. That belongs
only to God. God alone has the absolute authority. The husband
has delegated authority. He is an authority
who is under authority. Now the wife
is to be under her husband in the sense of
authority, but in reality the wife's authority
is not her husband, but the wife's authority, as we've already said, is God.
Now since that is true, whenever the husband moves
out from under the clearly revealed will of God and does
something which is contrary to the will of God and asks the wife
to cooperate with him in doing something that is contrary to the will of God,
since her real authority is God, she does not move out
from under her real authority, but she remains under her real authority and continues
in obedience to God. For example, if a husband
would ask a woman to lie for him,
the wife would remember that the Bible says thou shalt not bear false witness,
that God says thou shalt not lie, and so very lovingly,
very tenderly, very submissively, remember submission is not being a
doormat. Submission is not being passive. Submission
is being positive and aggressive in a loving and in a tender and in a kind
way. She says to her husband at that point, honey, I love you and
I want to please you and I want to do whatever you want me to do, but
you're asking me to lie and really
I can't do that because God says thou shalt not bear false witness, thou shalt not
lie. Now I'll do whatever you want me to do that is not contrary to the will of God, but
this is one area where I cannot cooperate with you. I believe Sapphira was wrong in going along with
Ananias. I believe at the point where Ananias wanted to lie and be
deceitful, Sapphira should have said, honey, I love you, but really
we can't do that. Now if you choose to do that, I can't stop you,
but I cannot go along with you because God says thou shalt
not lie. Or if a husband says to his wife,
look, somebody was nasty to you, now the next time you see them, I want you to avoid them,
I want you to be nasty to them, I want you to do back to them what they did to you. Don't
you let them take advantage of you. If the husband asks the wife to do that, she has to say, honey,
I can't do that because God says that I'm to love my enemies, I'm to bless them
that curse me. You see, her real authority is always God. We get some situations at the counseling center
where the husband is asking the wife to get involved in wife swapping, to actually commit adultery.
And the woman comes and says, well, does it mean because I'm to be in submission
that I must do that? No, it means that your real authority is always God.
And as long as what your husband asks you to do is not contrary to the will of
God, you must do it. As long as what your husband
asks you to do does not keep you from doing what God wants you to do,
you must do it. But if he asks you to do something which is clearly
forbidden by or he keeps you from doing something that is clearly commanded by the word
of God, at that point you must say, I love you, but God says in
his word, I must not or I must do this particular thing. So the wife's submission
is a limited matter. And then also, the wife's
submission is to be a practical matter.
Now it's easy to talk about loving your wife in the abstract.
Oh yeah, I love my wife. Well, give me 25 or 30 specific ways in which you
love your wife. And that's where the rubber meets the road.
And it's easy to talk about the wife's submission in the abstract. And there are a lot of women who say, oh yeah, I'm in
submission to my husband. It's easy to talk about
it. But God never intended the wife's submission merely to be
something we talk about. He intended it to be a very practical matter.
Now the wife's submission should manifest itself in at least
three ways. First of all, it should manifest
itself in her actions, in cooperating with her husband.
1 Peter chapter 3 says that a wife who has a husband
who does not obey the word should win her husband by
her chaste manner of life, by her holy and respectful
behavior. How does she win him? She wins him by being respectful
in her behavior. A wife should be submissive to her husband
by making the home a safe place so that when he
comes home, his home is a place of refuge. It's a
place of safety. One man who had a
wife who was constantly complaining and bickering decided to join
the army. And he went away to war, and while he
was away at war, he continued to get letters from his wife complaining and criticizing.
And finally he wrote back to her and he said, honey, would you please not write as often?
I like to enjoy the war in peace.
Home for that man was not a safe place.
Are you ladies making home for your husband a safe place, a place of refuge?
Does your submission manifest itself to your husband in cooperation?
Does he know he's got a teammate who will be with him through thick and thin, and if he makes a decision
which is not clearly contrary to the revealed will of God, even though you disagree, you will be right there
with him as his teammate. Is he confident
of that, or does he want to...well, will she or will she not? Depends on how she feels. What's her mood on that particular day?
Or whether she agrees or not. And you know, if you cooperate only when you agree, that's not submission.
That's getting your own way. It's not hard to cooperate when you agree.
But submission means that even when you don't agree, you still give it all you've got
and you cooperate. Do you ladies manifest your submission by
meeting your husband's needs? By thinking about what are my husband's needs? He has physical
needs, he has emotional needs, he has mental needs, he has recreational needs. Now how can I
make it possible for him to have all of these needs fulfilled? He has sexual needs.
And I'm available. Perhaps his sexual needs or desires
are greater than mine, but I'm available. Because 1 Corinthians 7 says I don't
have the power over my own body even as he doesn't have the power over his, and I'm supposed to meet
those particular needs. That's submission in action.
You know that your husband has particular ideas about
neatness. And he comes home and the house looks like a hurricane
has been through it. He's had enough turmoil and turbulence out there in work, and he likes
to have some sense of decorum and order. And when he comes home and he walks in and the place
is in shambles, and it jars him, well you know that that
distresses your husband. Maybe he shouldn't be distressed about it. Granted, I agree.
But nevertheless, submitting yourself means that you take all that you have and
if at all possible, you try to keep the home in a way that
would please him. Submission means that if there are certain
foods that he likes, you won't say, well, he's
being selfish. But submission means, no, if that will please him,
I'll make some of those foods that he likes.
Submission means that you'll adjust your priorities to fit into his priorities.
He wants to do something and you have other plans.
You think that other things are more important. Well, if these are his priorities,
you'll say, okay, honey, I was planning on doing this. I mean, you'd be honest about that,
but if you want to do this, I'll go along with you. And you communicate to him that
you're willing to adjust and adapt yourself to his priorities.
Submission means that if you have a disagreement on the matter of how the finances
should be spent. A woman, for example, may want to buy new furniture and
the husband may want to buy a new car. Submission means that the wife will say,
well, honey, you know, I think that we really need some new furniture and here are my reasons.
And she lists her reasons. And then
she goes on to say, you know what I think about this, but at the same time,
I am trusting you as the leader to make a wise decision.
And if you're convinced that this is what ought to be done,
then I'll cooperate with you. And the woman at that point turns it over to
God and says, Lord, you know, I don't think this is the wisest thing to do.
But Lord, I'm not supposed to change my husband. That's the work of the Holy Spirit. I could
be wrong. Maybe he's right. I don't see how, but I could be wrong.
And so, Lord, if I'm wrong, change me.
If my husband is wrong, change him. Lord, you have his heart in your hands.
Lord, you can change his mind. Your word says I'm
to be in submission. So, Lord, I'm going to trust you to change him if he ought to be changed. That's where I said the wife's
mission is spiritual. It takes a spiritual woman to do that.
To trust God enough to change her husband's mind
or to trust God enough to even fix up the mistakes or boo-boos
that her husband may make. You see what I'm saying? I'm saying submission is
manifested in her actions in a practical way. And I've got
just a whole list of other ways in reference to actions that submission should manifest itself.
But not only should it manifest itself in her actions, it should manifest itself
in her attitude. And Peter also talks about that. He talks about
a woman winning her husband by respectful
behavior. Respectful behavior. I'll go along with you,
but...
Ephesians 5.33 says, Let the wife see to it that she reverence her husband.
It's a strong word, isn't it? Reverence her husband? Why?
I thought reverence belonged only to God. No.
She's to reverence her husband because she does reverence God.
And it's God who told her to be in submission to her husband. The amplified version
says it means she's to esteem her husband, she's to appreciate her husband, she's to admire her husband.
She's to do her best to communicate to her husband that she thinks he's a great man.
And ladies, I want you to know a secret. That if your
husband is convinced that you think he's a great man, he'll knock
himself out to prove that you're right.
What he wants from you is admiration. What he wants is respect.
If he knows you respect his leadership, he won't want to make a mistake.
He'll want to do everything he can to prove himself, to be that leader
that you think he is.
Your submission should manifest itself in your attitude.
Attitude of reverence for God and an attitude of reverence and respect
for your husband. And then finally, your submission should
manifest itself in your speech. And that's found in 1 Peter 3
as well, where the Bible says that Sarah is an example of submission and it says that
she called Abraham Lord.
She called him Lord. That's speech, isn't it? She didn't go around talking
him down, saying things that demeaned him and put him down.
She called him Lord. Does that mean that women today ought to go around calling their
husband Lord James and Lord Paul or Lord John or whatever? No, I don't think
that's the point. The word Lord there in 1 Peter 3 really means
sir. And it's not the word in and of itself that's really important because I can say sir.
Yes, ma'am.
You can say the right words but not have the right meaning.
It's not the words in and of themselves. It's what's behind the words.
And that certainly means that you should express appreciation
to your husband with your words. Do you really make it a point to
let your husband know how much you appreciate him? Do you
let him know how glad you are he's so hard working?
That he is faithful and loyal to you?
Have you ever had a question that he's been running around with another woman?
He's not a drinker. He doesn't swear and curse.
Do you really let him know you appreciate him for that?
On a daily basis, do you make an effort to express appreciation to him for
a number of things? I really appreciate if he's
really met your needs sexually or in some other ways, to let him know that, hey, that
was great. You really are tremendous. Do you
talk about his good qualities to the children and other people?
That's great when you're in the presence of other people. I hear some women taking that as an opportunity to take potshots at their husband.
It's safe there. There are other people around, so there's safety in having people around.
Why don't you turn that around? In the presence of others, talk about what a great husband you have.
In the presence of children, talk about how
wonderful a dad they have. Build him up. Your children's attitude
toward that man, to a large extent, will be a reflection of your attitude toward that man.
If you think he's the greatest man in the world, don't be surprised if your children
do also. If you don't think he's a great man, don't be surprised
if your children don't also. If your children aren't
obeying your husband, look at yourself.
If they're rebellious and stubborn and uncooperative,
maybe it's because they have never seen an example of somebody who
is delighted in being in submission to somebody else. Maybe what they need is to see mom
getting on dad's team and really building him up.
Express your appreciation for your husband in words.
That means you'll refrain from nagging and complaining. That means you'll encourage him
when he's discouraged. That means you'll grant forgiveness when he has failed instead of
telling him, I told you so, look what you did. That means you'll offer
suggestions in a non-threatening and non-accusatory and non-demanding way. It'll be
a suggestion, and he knows that he'll love him even if he doesn't follow your suggestions.
Here's what I think, but even if you don't say it, you're communicating,
but honey, even if you don't choose to do what I suggest, I want you to know I'm on
your team. It means that you'll ask for forgiveness
when you've failed. It means that you'll refuse to compare him
unfavorably with other men and say, why can't you be like so and so?
It means that you'll refuse to speak evil of him, and it means that you'll
talk to him privately and respectfully about your disagreements.
Never cut your husband down.
Never say anything that would be demeaning.
Never say anything that would be taken by him as a slight
in the presence of other people. It hurts a lot more
when other people are around. And the Bible says that even though he may laugh,
even in laughter the heart is sorrowful. And their husbands who will laugh
when their wife reminds others of some mistake he made in the presence
of others because that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to laugh.
But under the surface, he's really hurting because he thinks his wife has been
unfaithful and disloyal, that she should be his supporter and cheerleader.
And here she is putting him down. Well, to me, that's submission
in working clothes. That's submission down where
the rubber meets the road. It's not submission out in the airy-fairy
outer regions. It's submission where it really counts.
And ladies, that's what God means when he says that you're to be in submission to your husband.
And I'm convinced because the Bible teaches it, but I'm convinced because I've seen it in marriage
counseling situations and outside of marriage counseling situations that when a woman
is really willing to work at being God's kind of submissive wife, she will
experience fulfillment, her husband will experience fulfillment,
her children will be encouraged, and their home will become more of a testimony.