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Developing Communication in the Family By Wayne Mack

Turn with me in your Bibles tonight to Ephesians, chapter 4, verses 25 through 32.
Therefore, laying aside falsehoods, speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor,
for we are members one of another.
Be angry, and yet do not sin.
Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.
Let him who steals steal no longer, but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands
what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for
edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace or help to those who
fear.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along
with all malice.
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ
also has forgiven you.
As has been announced, our topic for this evening has to do with family responsibilities.
The matter of family responsibilities is a big subject, and so I have chosen to focus
our attention on one primary family responsibility, namely the matter of good communication.
I believe it is imperative that family members communicate one with another.
Some time ago I read about a seminary professor who was approached after a lecture by one
of his students, who said to him, Prof, you are brilliant.
In fact, I think that you are more brilliant than Einstein.
Well, the seminary professor was very appreciative of this statement of encouragement and appreciation,
and so he said to the seminary student, Do you really mean that?
Do you think I am more brilliant than Einstein?
Yes, said the seminary student, it said that only eight men in the world could understand
Einstein, and I don't think anyone could understand you, so you are more brilliant than Einstein.
Now if that student's evaluation of that professor was right, that seminary professor was failing
as a teacher.
He may have been doing a lot of talking, but if the students weren't understanding what
he was saying, he was failing as a seminary student, because when it comes to teaching,
the name of the game is not merely talking, the name of the game is talking in such a
way that your students understand what you are saying.
And if that is true of teaching, it is also true of family relationships.
When it comes to good family relationships, good communication is the name of the game.
One book on family communication by a marriage counselor calls good communication the heart
throb of a marriage relationship.
Now you think about what the heart throb means to you physically.
If your heart stops throbbing, you are in trouble.
Without a heart throb, you are dead.
And what that marriage counselor was saying was that without a good communication system,
the marriage is in serious trouble.
Jay Adams has said that when it comes to interpersonal relationships in general, and the marriage
relationship in particular, good communication comes first.
When he says it comes first, he means that good communication is a priority matter in
the marriage relationship.
If you are not communicating with your spouse, there is something tragically wrong with your
marriage relationship.
If you are not communicating with your parents or with your children, there is something
tragically wrong in your family.
I want to share with you some of the reasons why good communication is important.
First of all, good communication is very important because it helps you to know each other.
You know, if you really want to get to know somebody, you have to communicate.
You can learn something about me by observing me.
You can see whether I am neat or not neat.
You can tell by being around me whether I am interested in athletics.
You can watch the books that I read or the things that I do.
And by observing what I do, you can tell something about me.
But I want to tell you, if you really want to get to know me, you have got to communicate
with me and I have got to communicate with you, because the only way to get to know what
really is happening inside of Wayne Mack is for Wayne Mack to open up and share himself
with you.
You know, many times we judge people on the basis of first impressions, and I have discovered
over the years that many times my first impressions have been wrong impressions.
I have looked at somebody's face and thought, oh, they are stuck up or proud or mean or
nasty.
Maybe it was a set of their jaw or whatever it was, and I thought, oh, they must be very
difficult people to get to know.
And then after I have come to know them better and they have opened up, I have discovered
that they were warm, loving, tender, and caring people, and I was all wrong about them.
In 1 Corinthians, chapter 2, verses 7 through 11, the Apostle Paul says, We speak God's
wisdom in a mystery, the hidden wisdom, which God predestined before the ages to our glory.
The wisdom which none of the rulers of this age has understood, for if they had understood
it they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.
If you want to know God, what Paul is saying is that you don't know God by means of discovery.
You don't find God.
God reveals himself to you.
And if God doesn't reveal himself to you, you will never know him.
When the Lord Jesus asked his disciples, Whom do you say that I am?
Simon Peter said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of a living God.
And Jesus said to him, Flesh and blood hath not revealed this to thee, but my Father which
is in heaven.
And going on in this passage in 1 Corinthians 2, the Apostle Paul says, Just as it is written,
Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the
heart of man, all that God has prepared for those that love him.
For to us God revealed them through the Spirit, for the Spirit searches all things, even the
depths of God.
For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is
in him?
Did you get that?
Who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of a man which is in him?
You don't really know what is in me.
You don't know my thoughts.
I alone know what I am thinking unless I am pleased to reveal what I am thinking to you.
The next phrase says, Even so, the thoughts of God knows no one except the Spirit of God.
And the point is that the Spirit of God has chosen to reveal the thoughts of God in his
Word.
So we know what God is thinking.
We know about God because God has revealed himself to us verbally in his Word.
And we come to know each other only as we reveal ourselves to each other by means of
communication.
And so communication is important in the family.
The husband can't really know the wife, the wife can't know the husband, children can't
really know their parents, and parents can't know their children unless communicating is
going on.
Secondly, good communication helps you to sharpen your thinking.
You may think that you have the greatest idea in the world.
I mean this is really a fantastic idea.
You have been rolling it around and thinking about it for a while and you come and you
share it with your wife or you share it with your children and they ask you a few questions
and raise a few objections.
And all of a sudden you either realize that it wasn't a great idea or by means of their
questions and objections you sharpen your thinking so that it even becomes a better
idea.
Now that happens when you communicate.
And all the loss that comes to people, to husbands and wives and to families where they
are not communicating.
Thirdly, good communication is important because it helps you to bear one another's burdens.
Galatians 6, 2 says we are to bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Recently a woman came to me and she told me that she was angry with her husband because
he wasn't helping her with a problem.
I said to her, have you shared your problem with him?
Have you asked him for his help?
She said no, he ought to know that I'm having this problem.
Now here she was angry with her husband for not helping her but she had never shared it
with him.
And we smile at that, but dear ones, that happens many times.
My wife ought to know I feel that way.
My wife ought to know I want that.
My wife ought to know I have those needs.
And of course she may be saying the same thing, my husband ought to know, why should I have
to share?
Good communication is important because we can't share somebody's burdens or bear somebody's
burdens unless we know what they are.
Good communication is also important because it helps you to clear up misunderstandings.
Man comes home from work at night, he's had a hard day, so he's rather quiet.
His wife assumes that because he's quiet, he's upset with her.
I mean, what other reason could there be for him being quiet?
So he walks in the door and he doesn't say anything to her except, hi.
Sits down, reads the newspaper and she says, well, hmm.
And she begins to get all upset because he's upset with her.
So she gets hurt and she starts getting quiet and on and on it goes and the relationship
begins to deteriorate.
Or if she does ask him, have I done something to upset you?
Is something bothering you?
He says, nothing.
You see, in the first place, if she didn't say anything to him, she was responsible for
not really knowing what was happening in his life.
But if she asked him and he replied in that way, nothing, when in reality there was something,
then he's responsible for the trouble between them.
But communication is a marvelous way of clearing up misunderstandings.
If only she'd say, honey, is there something bothering you?
And he'd say, yes.
Boy, I had a hard day.
Wow, the boss was all over me and so forth.
And then the whole matter would be cleared up.
Or if our children come home from school, you know, they're grumpy and they're upset
and they don't want to talk to us and they're quiet and silent and we ask them, is something
wrong?
No.
They may tell you that they had a conflict or an argument with some of the kids at school
or someone slighted them or they didn't get on the athletic team or whatever so that you'd
understand what was happening in their lives.
Good communication is also important because it helps you make wise decisions.
The Scripture says the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who hearkens unto
counsel is wise, Proverbs 12, 15.
Proverbs 15 and verse 22 says without counsel plans are frustrated, but in the multitude
of counselors there's safety.
In Proverbs 20 and verse 25 the Bible talks about a man who says something rashly and
then after he makes a vow, he goes and makes inquiry.
Instead of really checking things out, instead of really asking questions, he makes a rash
decision and then finds out it's wrong.
Well, one of the best ways to make wise decisions is to ask your wife, your husband, your children
or other people that you respect tremendously what they think about it.
Recently I had a problem and I didn't know what to do about it.
And I sat down and I started thinking, well, let's see, I could do this or I could do this.
And I could only think of two alternatives.
And so I talked to my wife and she came up with a third alternative that I hadn't even
thought about and it was a better alternative than either of my two and that's what we did.
She helped me to make a wise decision.
And in reference to our children, I believe that we as parents from time to time should
go to our children, explain to them some of the problems we have, and even ask them for
their opinion to help us in making wise decisions.
A couple of years ago we had a very important decision to make about our future ministry.
A future place in which we would live.
And so my wife and I prayed about it.
We sought the scriptures.
We went to other godly counselors.
We laid out the advantages and disadvantages of all of the different things that we could
have done.
And then we sat down with our children since they were involved in the decision.
They were going to move where we were going to move.
They were going to be affected by what we did.
We sat down and we explained the whole situation to them, advantages, disadvantages, and then
we said, now, do you know of any other advantages, other disadvantages?
Do you have any input, any insight?
And together we as a family made a decision.
As the head of the home, I had the final decision-making power, but I made that decision including
the opinion and advice of my wife and also of my children.
And I believe I made a wiser decision because I had sought the advice and counsel of my
entire family.
Good communication is also important because it helps you to cooperate and work in harmony
with other people.
The Bible says the name is three in verse three.
How can two walk together except they be agreed?
And how in the world can you agree with anyone if you don't know what he's thinking, if you
don't know where he's going?
And that's precisely why there's confusion and a lack of harmony in many homes.
The husband doesn't know where the wife is going, and she doesn't know where he's going
because they don't communicate, and the children don't communicate, and parents don't communicate,
and so there is a lot of disharmony.
Dad plans something, for example, for Saturday which involves the rest of the family.
Mom plans something for Saturday which involves Dad, and the kids plan something for Saturday
which doesn't involve Mom or Dad but which means that they won't be available to be with
either Mom or Dad, and they don't tell each other until Saturday morning, and the result
is their fireworks.
I'm the head of this home, and so he lays it on his family and gets upset with his wife
because she's planned something else, and with the children because they've planned
something else.
And all of that disharmony and confusion could have been avoided if they'd just learned to
communicate and plan things together.
And I see so much of this in the counseling room.
So many conflicts, so much bitterness, so much resentment could be avoided if families
would simply communicate ahead of time.
And two, good communication helps you to grow spiritually, intellectually, socially, and
emotionally.
Proverbs 27 and verse 17 says,
As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.
Proverbs 13 verse 20 says,
He who walks with a wise man will be wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.
Now I want to tell you, folks, the home is a fantastic classroom.
It's a classroom in which all kinds of learning can take place.
And that learning is facilitated and developed in an atmosphere where there's a lot of communication.
In a home where the husband shares what God is doing in his life, God has given him something
in the Word of God.
He doesn't just keep it to himself.
He talks to his wife and shares with his wife,
Honey, the Lord spoke to me out of this passage of the Word of God.
And he's not doing it to preach at her.
There are some husbands who share, especially when the Lord gives them something that applies
to their wives.
Wow, boy, they can preach then.
And I know of some wives who read books, and they come across a passage that deals with
something that they think is wrong in their husband.
And so they say, Honey, I was reading in this particular book.
Wow, is this great.
You ought to read it.
And what they're trying to do is get a message across to their husband instead of just coming
because they've been blessed and they want to share it.
Oh, where a husband and where a wife are reading and sharing with one another what God is doing
in their lives and what God is saying to them, and the children are doing the same.
They're provoking one another.
They're stimulating one another.
They're sharpening one another.
I have a friend who is one of the most knowledgeable men that I know.
And one day I was talking to this fellow.
I knew that he was a very busy man, had many responsibilities, and yet he seemed to be
so well read in so many areas.
And he shared with me that the reason that he was so well read and so well versed in
so many areas was not because he read all of those books for himself, but his wife read
them.
And after his wife had read them, she shared the contents of those books with him.
And he said, It's my wife's responsibility.
Or my wife gets the credit for me knowing so much about so many things.
What was she doing?
She was sharpening her husband by sharing her reading.
Now husbands, of course, should do the same.
Good communication is also important because it decreases the possibility of evil suspicions
and imagination.
Here, for example, are parents who hear about the evil things that young people are doing.
I hear young people saying all the time, My parents don't trust me.
Parents hear about all the evil things that young people are doing.
They hear about all these kids getting involved in drugs and alcohol and premarital sex and
homosexuality and so forth.
And then their own children come home and they are grumpy and silent and won't share
and won't let the parents know what is happening in their lives.
And so the parents think, Well, look, I read about all of this, and they say that it is
such a high, oh, maybe it is happening in my child.
And then the parent begins to ask questions and the child thinks, Well, he doesn't trust
me.
And when that happens, I will tell you whose responsibility it is for the lack of trust.
The young person has asked for it because that young person has not opened up and allowed
mom and dad to know what is going on in his or her mind.
No, I am not like that.
And the young person has demonstrated that he is not like that because he has been sharing
what he has been getting out of devotions, his interest in spiritual things, the opportunities
he has had to share the word of God.
So good communication is important if you are going to decrease the possibility of evil
suspicions and imaginations.
Good communication is important because it gives you a sense of value and a sense of
importance.
Many times in husband and wife counseling, I have had a woman say something like this
in the presence of her husband.
My husband doesn't care for me.
My husband really doesn't love me.
My husband is more interested in his parents, he is more interested in other people than
he is in me.
And I will say to the woman, Now, what leads you to think that?
And very frequently the woman will say something like this, Well, he will talk to his parents,
but he won't talk to me.
He will talk to other people, but he won't talk to me.
He won't tell me what he does down where he comes home, and he is just silent.
And as a result of that, she doesn't think she is very important to him.
And I have seen women who sinfully begin to look around for someone else who will treat
them as though they have a brain in their head, as though they have some worth, because
they don't think their husbands think they are very worthwhile or very important.
Have you ever been in a crowd where someone was doing some talking, but he never looked
at you?
You know, you are in a group of people, and somebody was talking, he looked at this person,
he looked at that person, he looked at this person, he talked to everybody else, but he
didn't talk to you.
At that point you are tempted to think, Well, he doesn't even know I am around.
He doesn't think I am very worthwhile.
He doesn't think I am worth talking to.
Well, that is what frequently happens with children and with married people when there
is a lack of communication.
But then still further, good communication helps you to develop deep close relationships.
One woman said, You heard of the old stone face?
Well, I married it.
Another said, I feel like I am living with a stranger.
He won't talk to me.
Another unhappy woman said, My husband has one word in his vocabulary.
No, I take that back.
He has two.
It's uh and uh-uh.
Another woman said, I feel like I am married to a newspaper with legs on it.
Now these women were all saying that they didn't feel very close to their husbands,
and one of the reasons was because there was little or no communication.
Boy, when I communicate with somebody, and I know we've communicated, when I communicate
with my sons or with my daughter, and I know we've been on the same wavelength, I come
away feeling close.
There's something about good communication that draws you close to the other person.
And then, too, good communication is important because it's fun.
It makes life interesting, and that's all right for Christians to have fun.
It's all right for Christians to have an interesting life.
Many soldiers who have been experienced with the isolation, being cut off from other people.
I've seen young people say, oh, this is boring.
Oh, man, this life is boring.
And then all of a sudden, they get involved in a conversation, and it's as though the
lights have begun to flash, and you wonder what happened to these young people.
Well, they just got involved in a good conversation.
My life has many enjoyable and interesting facets to it.
I really enjoy life, many things in life.
But one of the most enjoyable things, as far as I'm concerned, is sitting around and talking
with my wife.
I like to talk to my wife.
I like to be with my wife.
There isn't anyone I'd rather be with.
And when we really talk, and she shares with me, and I share with her, it's fun.
And I think one of the reasons why I like my work so much is that many times, eight,
ten hours a day, I'm talking to people.
That's what I do in counseling.
I talk to them.
They talk to me.
And of course, in the main, we're talking about the Word of God.
And so good communication makes a family fun to be with.
It makes life in the family interesting.
But then, too, good communication provides a means for solving problems and disagreements.
Some people have the idea that the best way to solve problems is to ignore them or avoid
them.
Sometimes I've had a wife share some problem that she had in the context of the counseling
room, and the husband will look at her and say, I've been married to you for 18 years,
and I didn't know you were having that problem.
I didn't know that upset you.
I didn't know that annoyed you.
And I've had wives who have been surprised at some of the things the husbands had said.
I've had them say, boy, I'm learning all kinds of new things about my wife or all kinds of
new things about my husband in the counseling context.
Why?
Because for years, they thought that the best way to solve problems is to ignore them or
avoid them, and that doesn't solve anything.
It just pushes the wound or the infection just even deeper and causes it to fester all
the more until finally the marriage relationship has very seriously deteriorated.
If you've got a problem, talk about it.
It may be hard to talk about, it may be difficult to talk about, it may be painful to talk about,
but don't you avoid it.
You're not solving it.
You're compounding the problem by not talking about it.
Here, for example, are people who have a problem in the area of finances.
Every time we talk about finances, we end up in a fight.
So they just avoid it, and the bitterness and resentment continues to grow.
Or they have a problem in the area of their sexual relations, and that's one thing we
just don't discuss.
We can't talk about that.
So he goes through life dissatisfied, and she goes through life resenting him.
Or it may be in the matter of in-laws.
We can't talk about in-laws.
We always get in the fight, and so they avoid that particular area.
Look, problems are not solved by avoiding them.
Problems are solved by a proper kind of communication.
Now these are some of the reasons why good communication is important in the family relationship.
But I want to move on at this point to talk to you about some of the practices that destroy
good communication, and then some of the practices that develop good communication.
And both of these aspects are described in that one passage of scripture that I read
a little while ago, Ephesians 4, verses 25 through 32.
In this passage of the word of God, God describes for us some of the practices that destroy
good communication in the family.
Verse 25 gives us the first practice that destroys good communication, and it's lying.
It says, wherefore putting away falsehood, wherefore putting away lying.
Now there are many ways in which we can lie to one another.
One form of lying is telling a deliberate untruth.
You know, the wife doesn't really want to do something that the husband wants to do,
and so he asks her to do it, and instead of saying, Well, honey, I don't want to do it,
or instead of saying, Well, okay, I'll do it, and she makes herself do it even though
she doesn't want to, she says, Oh, do I have a headache?
Ooh, wow.
Or my back is killing me.
And she's lying.
And of course the husband senses that before too long, she's just putting me off.
And then he begins to distrust.
Other things, can I really trust her when she says something else because I suspect
she's lying in this particular area.
Or the husband does something or buys something that he knows his wife wouldn't want him to
do or wouldn't want him to buy, and so he makes some excuse as far as where he was or
how he spent the money or whatever.
And the wife begins to sense that he's not really telling me the truth.
And when that happens, the communication lines begin to break down because she begins to
wonder if she can trust him about anything because he lied to me about that.
How do I know he's not lying to me about something else?
Another form of lying is what I call exaggerating the truth.
You know, the wife says, My husband never listens to me.
Never?
That's 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, however many years you've
been married.
That's a long time.
And she says, My husband never listens to me.
Or my husband is never at home.
I've had women tell me that.
My husband's never at home.
I say, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?
He's never at home?
And she says, Oh, no, I guess not.
So I have her keep companionship record.
How many hours he was?
He is the home the next week.
And she finds out that he's home a lot more than she thinks.
Or she says, My husband never has any interest in me, or he wastes all the money.
You know, she uses these generalizing terms.
And then he is turned off by that.
He knows he's home sometimes, and she says he's never home.
He knows he doesn't waste all the money because he gives her some for the food.
And so the lines of communication break down.
Or the husband says, My wife nags all the time.
She's always complaining.
She's always listens to her parents instead of to me.
She always wastes her time.
She's always late.
Those are exaggerations.
And I think, in reality, what they are is lies.
So a second way of lying is exaggerating the truth.
Another form of lying is misrepresenting what the other person has said or done.
I heard the story of two men who worked on the same ship.
One of them was First Mate Jones, and the other was Second Mate Smith.
Now these fellows didn't like each other.
And they took every opportunity they had to cut the other person down.
Well, it was First Mate Jones' responsibility to keep the ship's log.
And when First Mate Jones was not on board, then it was Second Mate Smith's responsibility
to keep the log.
Well, one evening, Second Mate Smith went into town when they were in the harbor.
And the next day, First Mate Jones was free, so he went into town.
And of course, the Second Mate took the log book and looked down through the log book.
And he saw written in the log, Second Mate drunk tonight.
Well, he didn't like that at all.
There it was in the log that he was drunk on that particular night.
And so he wrote in the log, First Mate, sober today.
Now what he said was true, but it was a misrepresentation, because the implication was that there were
many other days when he wasn't sober.
And I want to say you can say the truth, but you can say it in such a way that in reality
it comes out as a perversion of what really is happening.
And that frequently happens between a husband and wife.
We take what the wife has said and we misrepresent it so it comes out putting her down.
I've seen children do this with their parents.
I thought you meant such and such.
Or a parent says, honey, I think that perhaps you should study a little bit more or make
some other kind of suggestion.
The child says, I never do anything right with you.
You're always finding fault when perhaps that was the only suggestion that was made on that
occasion and the intention was not to put the other person down but to just encourage
them.
So you can really break down communications when you misrepresent or exaggerate what the
other person has said.
And then, too, lying may be a matter of making promises that you don't keep.
Psalm 15 and verse 4 says that we should swear to our own hurt and then not change.
And the Bible has a lot to say about covenant breakers.
A person who doesn't keep a promise is a covenant breaker.
Here's a father, for example, who promises to take his son to a ball game or to take
him fishing.
And then the boss asks him to work or somebody else asks him to do something that seems more
exciting.
And so the father, even though he's made a promise, says to the son, I'm sorry, but I
have to work today.
And he breaks his promise.
And if he does that enough times, eventually the son comes to the point where bitterness
and resentment begins to grow.
And he gets the feeling that dad thinks everyone and everything else is more important than
I am.
And when that happens, the communication system falls apart.
I had one woman who told me that her husband was a liar.
I said, what do you mean he's a liar?
She said, well, he promises me things and then he doesn't keep his promises.
I said, well, give me some examples.
Our husband was sitting there and he didn't want to agree that he was a liar.
And she said, this is what happened.
We were going to get some money back from the internal revenue, and I wanted to put
a fence around the backyard.
We lived close to a road, and I'm always afraid of the children running out on the road and
getting hit by a car.
And so I wanted to use the money that came back from the internal revenue to put a fence
around our backyard.
And so I asked my husband if we could do that, and he said yes.
Then we got the money back from the internal revenue, and he came in one day and he said,
I want you to write out a check for $1,500.
She said, what for?
He said, well, I'm going to buy a new car.
Well, where are you going to get the money?
Well, I'm going to use the money we got back from the internal revenue.
He said, I thought that you had agreed that we would use it for a fence.
He said, I know, but I changed my mind.
He didn't change his mind.
He lied.
And I believe that when we make promises and then don't keep our promises, we are liars.
And if we do that, the lines of communication are going to break down.
So one of the practices that destroys good communication is lying.
Another practice that destroys good communication is found in Ephesians 4 and verse 26.
It's what I call sinful expressions of anger.
Ephesians 26 says, let be angry and do not sin, let not the sun get down on your wrath.
And then in verse 31 we read, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander
be put away from you.
It's talking about sinful expressions of anger.
Now, on Tuesday morning we're going to be dealing more thoroughly with the subject of
anger, so I'm not going to talk a lot about it tonight.
But I do want to mention two particular forms of sinful anger that break down good communication.
Some people get angry and they retreat.
They just get silent.
They pout and they sulk.
They get stubborn.
They withdraw.
Other people get angry and they yell and they shout and they scream and they hit and they
push and they shove and they bite and they kick and they throw things.
Some people flip back and forth from retreating to exploding.
From exploding to retreating.
Now sometimes you get two exploders together.
And when you get two exploders together you've got fireworks.
He yells and screams and she yells and screams a little bit louder.
And then he yells and screams a little louder and so she yells and screams a little louder
and pretty soon you may even get into some physical abuse.
But sometimes what you have is an exploder and a retreat-er together.
And that's what happens more frequently than having two exploders together.
You have one person who's learned to respond to tough situations by bullying his way through.
And so either verbally or physically he's learned to overpower people.
And when things don't go his way, he loses his cool and he just ventilates, he explodes.
Well if you have an exploder with a person who has learned to handle tough situations
by becoming quiet, by sulking, when the exploder explodes the other person withers and withdraws
and goes back into the bedroom and pushes it down under.
Now, when that happens, the exploder explodes again and again, the retreat-er retreats,
and when the retreat-er retreats the exploder explodes even more because why doesn't she
stand up and why can't we get this out and talk about, you know.
And pretty soon that hostility and that animosity develops until there's a very cool relationship,
oh they're Christians so they know they can't get a divorce and so they just kind of have
peaceful coexistence.
I know of a Christian couple who had separate bedrooms for twenty years and in twenty years
they had never had physical relationships.
And yet no one else knew what was happening in that home, the animosity and hostility.
They knew they couldn't get divorced because they were Christians.
But at the same time the communication lines had broken down and the marriage really was
in very serious trouble.
And so when there are sinful expressions of anger, either by way of exploding or retreating,
good communication is hindered.
But then also good communication is hindered by unwholesome speech.
That's indicated by Ephesians 4 and verse 29 which says,
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.
Some have said that sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me.
That's a lie.
Words will hurt you and destroy you.
The book of Proverbs says the power of life and death is in the tongue.
The book of James chapter 3 compares the tongue to a world of iniquity, to the poison of a
deadly snake, to fire that destroys a forest.
And many a marriage and many a family has been destroyed by unwholesome speech.
And that happens in Christian homes as well as in non-Christian homes, unfortunately.
Now what's unwholesome speech?
Well unwholesome speech obviously is suggestive, obscene, or blasphemous speech.
Ephesians 5 verses 3 and 4 says, Do not let immorality or any impurity or greed even be
named among you as is proper among the saints.
And there must be no filthiness and silly talk or coarse jesting which are not fitting
but rather giving of thanks.
I know of one Christian husband who came home one night and he joked around with his wife
about what some of the other fellows were doing down at work.
He said, Hey, some of the other fellows down at work are going to some of these swinging
parties where they're swapping wives.
How about us going to one of those parties?
And she was terribly offended by it.
And then he said, Oh, I was only kidding.
Sometimes we say things which are off color, which offend other people.
It's wrong.
It's unwholesome speech.
James 3 verses 9 and 10 speaks of a person out of whose mouth comes blessing and cursing.
And then it says, My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
In Proverbs the 12th chapter and verse 18, the word of God says, There is one who speaks
rashly like the thrust of a sword, his tongues like a sharp knife.
He cuts you when he talks to you.
Here's a parent who wonders why his children have little respect for him.
They won't communicate.
They won't listen to him.
But then you listen to him and you hear him demeaning his children using strong words.
I had a situation recently where there was a 14 year old girl who was filled with bitterness
and resentment against her parents.
There were professing Christians who taught in a Christian school.
And there was a 14 year old girl who was filled with bitterness and resentment against her
parents.
And in her presence while we were counseling, I heard the father say something like this.
In fact, not something like this.
This is exactly what he said.
He said this week she was disgustingly disobedient.
He didn't simply say, you know, this week she didn't obey us as well as we would have
liked.
He had to say she was disgustingly disobedient.
And he was in a habit of adding adjectives like that to what he was saying.
And he did it in her presence and he was communicating to her that you're disgusting, you're despicable.
And of course, as a result of that, at least that was one of the things that was behind
it, she began to harbor bitterness and resentment, well I can't please him anyway, why even try?
And so she got involved in many things that she should not have gotten involved in.
She was wrong, but so was the father as well.
For here's a husband who seems to delight in making a fool out of his wife and telling
about all of her mistakes.
One woman came for counseling and she told us that her husband thought she was dumb.
And she told us about something that had happened a few weeks before.
They were going to take a vacation to Florida and they were flying from Philadelphia to
Florida and then when they landed in Florida they were going to rent a car to drive around,
see Disneyland and some other things.
And she said that I asked my husband, where do we have to go to get the car after we arrive
at the airport?
And he said to her, don't you know where you get a car at the airport?
You don't have to go anyplace.
You're so dumb.
You know, he was irritated with her because she didn't know that Hertz and Avis and National
and I'll cover them all I guess, but she didn't know that they had their desk right there
at the airport, but that was the type of thing that he was doing in communicating to her
that she really wasn't very intelligent.
And so when we use abusive speech we're breaking down good communication.
Another kind of unwholesome speech that breaks down communication is gossip.
Proverbs 17 and verse 9 says, he who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats
a matter separates intimate friends.
You carry it on.
You repeat it again and again.
You tell it to other people.
What happens, says the scriptures, if you do that you'll separate chief friends.
One husband told me that he used to share things with his wife, but never again.
He said, I told my wife something, and then I heard what I told her coming back from her
mother and from her friends, and I can't trust her anymore, and he said it's safer to keep
these things to myself.
She had destroyed good communications by her gossip.
Good communication is also hindered by complaining or murmuring or grumbling.
Philippians 2 and verse 14 says, let everything be done without grumblings or without murmuring.
I know of one husband who spends most of his evenings away from home.
Now this man spends most of his evenings away from home doing something at the church, and
everybody thinks, isn't he spiritual?
Look at that fellow.
He just loves to do things for the Lord.
Now I'm sure he does love to do things for the Lord, but I happen to know that one of
the reasons why he's so willing to be at the church every night of the week is because
he wants to get away from a wife who grumbles and complains and murmurs and criticizes about
everything and everything.
And so good communication is broken down by grumbling and by complaining, and then also
good communication is broken down by unwholesome speech in the form of quarrelsome speech.
Some people love to quarrel.
If you say yes, they say no.
If you say white, they say black.
If you say, well, something should be done this way, they say it should be done that
way.
If you say that you ought to be careful about the friends you choose, they say, well, you
have to get next to the unsaved if you're ever going to win them.
Or if you say you ought to help other people and give to them, they say, well, be careful,
or they'll take advantage of them and you'll make them a bunch of bums.
I mean, anything you say here, they've got to counteract it over here.
And when you're with somebody like that who always has to correct you and always has to
give the other slant and feels responsible to contradict whatever you say, pretty soon
you say, fool you on it.
It's not worth talking to them.
Quarlesome speech breaks down good communication.
And then too defensive speech breaks down good communication.
One husband told me that on occasion he did lose his temper and say things that he shouldn't.
But it wasn't his fault.
I said, well, whose fault is it?
He said, my wife's.
I said, when she loses her temper, whose fault is it?
He said, it's hers.
One woman told me that she didn't know of any way that she could improve as a wife.
She said, whatever problems there are in our marriage, it's my husband's fault.
Her husband chimed in and said, well, she has never said, please forgive me, I'm sorry.
I said, oh, come on.
They were married 25 years.
In 25 years, she has never said, I'm sorry?
I couldn't believe that.
So I turned to her and I said, have you ever said I'm sorry?
She said, no, you don't have to say I'm sorry unless you do something wrong.
In 25 years of marriage, she was saying she had never done anything wrong.
No wonder the communication had broken down.
No wonder the relationship had broken down.
Well, I'm just going to mention three or four other forms of unwholesome speech.
Unwholesome speech is self-centered, boastful speech.
Unwholesome speech is hasty, presumptuous speech.
Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?
Proverbs 29, verse 20 says, there's more hope for a fool than for him.
Husband comes home with a problem at work, you know, it's really bugging him, it's really
burdening him, and very quickly his wife says, well, now let me tell you, if you did this,
this and this, everything would be all right down there.
And what she's communicated to him is, you dumb thing, you.
If I were doing that job, I'd be doing a lot better than you are.
He didn't want that at all.
He just wanted somebody to say, hey, yeah, that's tough, man, that's hard.
Somebody to put her arms around him and say, I love you, honey, I really care for you.
I'm glad God gave you to me.
He just wanted some encouragement.
She thought he wanted advice, and she gave it to him.
Her wife's had a hard day with the children, you know.
In the afternoon, the little guy wouldn't go to sleep, and he just cried and he moaned,
and every time she wanted to get on the telephone, or when somebody called, the kids were hanging
on her dress tails or whatever.
And the husband comes home that night, and she says, oh, I had a terrible day, Johnny
wouldn't go to sleep this afternoon, and when I tried, well, honey, if you would do thus
and such, everything, if I had been here, I tell you, he wouldn't have done that with
me.
And the wife remembers that the next time she has a bad day and says, I'm not going
to go through that again, because what he said was, you stupid thing, you, you're not
as good a wife as I would be.
And so good communication is broken down by hasty, presumptuous speech.
It's broken down by constant fault-finding or moralizing.
The scriptures speak of those who make a man an offender for a word.
And it's also broken down by backdoor messages.
One wholesome speech involves backdoor messages, you know, where the husband who hears about
a certain woman who does certain things for her husband, and so he goes home and he says
to his wife, honey, you ought to know what Mary Jones does for her, wow, you know.
And what he's trying to say is, go thou and do likewise.
But instead of saying, you know, I would really appreciate if you'd do thus and such, he tells
his wife about another woman, and she thinks in her mind, well, if you're so much more
pleased with that other woman, why did you marry her instead of me, you know.
Or a wife who hears about something that a husband has done.
He's bought his wife thus or so, and so instead of saying, wow, I'd like to have thus or so,
she tells him about what the other husband has done, and so he becomes upset.
Backdoor messages close down, good communication.
So these are some of the practices that destroy good communication, and I'm just going to
outline very briefly some of the practices that develop good communication.
One of the practices that develop good communication is talking.
Verse 25, the Bible says, putting away lying and speak.
There are many homes where people just aren't talking.
Parents aren't talking to children, husbands and wives aren't talking.
Sometimes they can't talk because they seldom, if ever, spend time with one another.
They're going in different directions, they're never together.
Or if they do spend time together, they're watching television.
And one of the questions I often ask when people come for counseling is, how much television do you watch?
I think television is one of the greatest destroyers of marriage and one of the greatest destroyers
of good communication that has ever been invented.
I think there's a place for it, but it can make people in the home, spectators, passive
so that they're really not talking with one another.
And one of the most dangerous signals in a marriage or in a family situation is when
the family or husband and wife begin to watch television during mealtime.
They usually do that because they don't have anything to say to one another, and the television
becomes a substitute for conversation and communication, and that's dangerous.
If you want to have good communication, you've got to talk.
And if you're going to talk, you have to have time and you have to have quiet.
So turn off the television, put down the book, even turn off the tape recorder.
I know of one Christian man who would come home at night and he'd go back into the bedroom
and he'd listen to tapes, which were recorded sermons, and you'd think, that's really spiritual.
No, it destroyed his marriage.
He was so busy listening to taped sermons.
His wife was sitting out there wanting to have a relationship, wanting to talk, wanting
to communicate, and she became bitter against the church and other things.
Now she was sinful.
She was wrong for her response, but I want to tell you, he provoked her because he didn't
spend time with her.
I want to suggest to people that every family should have at least five things.
First of all, every family should have some time every day where the whole family talks
and shares, some time every day where the parents and the children, the husband and
the wife, with the whole family, talks and shares, secondly, talk from the children and
talk.
When the children come, it becomes more difficult.
But I believe that a husband and wife must guard time alone.
Maybe you go into the bedroom and you shut the door, and when the door is shut, you tell
the children that you're not to be bothered unless there's an emergency situation.
Mom and Dad must get alone to talk, and so the bedroom door is shut.
I believe during the day, and for at least fifteen minutes, you just talk.
If you run out of things, and people who haven't been talking for a long while sometimes can't
even talk with one another for fifteen minutes, and if you run out of things to talk about,
then I tell them just to sit there and hug each other for the rest of the time until
the fifteen minutes are up.
But every time, every day, a husband and wife should have some time to communicate.
I also recommend that there should be some extended time every week where parents and
children spend two or three hours together, not just a short period, but where you block
out a whole evening, and Mom and Dad get with the children and do something fun together
and try to relate to the children in an informal way.
I also suggest that there should be some extended time every week when the husband and wife
date.
Two or three or four hours every week where the husband and wife go out together, walk
together, have fun together, just be alone together for an extended period of time to
develop their relationship.
And then also, I believe it's important for every parent to spend quality time alone with
every child at least once a month, not with the children as a group, but with every child.
Now what I try to do is to take a different child out for breakfast on Saturday morning.
When I go away and vacation, I'll take one child out for breakfast one morning, another
child out for breakfast another morning, another child out for breakfast another morning, and
when we get back home, I try to create opportunities where I take one of the children with me on
different occasions so that we can have a time of relating one-on-one with each other.
I believe that needs to be done on a regular basis.
So if you want to have good communications, you've got to have time to talk.
But then secondly, if you're going to have good communications, you must deal with your
problems or disagreements biblically, and that's found in Ephesians 4 and verse 26 which
says that you're not to let the sun get down upon your wrath.
Now there are two ways of dealing with problems biblically.
One way of dealing with problems biblically is by way of forgiveness, and the Bible says
it's the glory of a man to pass over a transgression, Proverbs 19 verse 11.
First Peter 4 and verse 8 says that love covers a multitude of sins.
So if my wife does something wrong, if my children do something wrong, and it's not
something that they do all the time, and it's not going to bring reproach upon the name
of Christ, or if it's not really that important, then one of the options I have is just to
overlook it and forgive it.
But if I cannot forgive it, or if it would be to the detriment of that other person,
if it would hinder that other person's testimony for Jesus Christ, then the other option I
have is to confront them with it and talk to them about it and get the matter settled.
But I must deal with it.
The Bible says don't let the sun get down upon your wrath, and rather than allow something
to fester, rather than allow the bitterness and resentment to grow, on the day when I
am annoyed, irritated, distressed, I must go, and in the spirit of love, I must talk
to the other person about it.
Now I think that in some families, you know, this matter of talking about problems begins
when they get up in the morning and it continues to the time they go to bed at night.
Mom's on dad, or dad's on mom, or parents are on the children, or whatever.
And that's why I think a better plan is to say that you'll have a time every evening
or sometime, maybe fifteen minutes, maybe right before devotions, or whatever, when
you ask, are there any problems today?
Do you have any things that irritated you or whatever?
And then anything you want to talk about by way of a problem is limited to that period
of time so that the problem doesn't stretch out over the entire day, but there's just
one time in the day when you deal with problems.
I think that's important.
Because if the whole day is just one discussion of problems after another, pretty soon people
get sick of that and the communication lines break down.
So if you want to have good communication, deal with your problems or disagreements biblically.
And then to have good communication, you must practice proper conversation.
In Ephesians 4 and verse 29, the Bible says, don't let unwholesome words proceed from your
mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment,
that it may give grace to those who hear.
Now notice, the Bible says that the words which you speak should be good words.
So you want to ask, is what I'm going to say really good?
Secondly, it says that our words should be for edification.
Will what I'm about to say really build up, or is it just to get the tension out of me
or because I'm frustrated?
Will it really edify?
Will it really build up the other person?
That's the sieve through which our communication must pass.
And if what we're about to say won't edify, then it shouldn't be said.
You know, there's a time to speak and there's a time to be silent, the book of Ecclesiastes
says.
And some parents think that if my child does something right now and I don't talk to them
about it right now, I'm abdicating responsibility.
No, you're not.
It may very well be you're being wise.
You're waiting for a better time to talk to the child, or you're waiting for a better
time to talk to your husband, or a better time to talk to your wife.
The Bible says the heart of the righteous studies to answer.
But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
The Bible says that a word spoken in due season is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
There's the matter of timing.
And you need to ask, first of all, is it true?
Secondly, will it help?
Thirdly, is this the right time?
And then it goes on to say that it may minister grace unto the hearer.
You need to ask, am I going to say it in the right spirit?
Do I have the right attitude?
Do I have the right motive?
Do I really want to help?
And if I cannot say yes to all of those questions, then it's unwholesome speech.
And whatever I was about to say, I really shouldn't say at all.
And so if you want to encourage good communication, make sure that you practice the kind of conversation
that is described in Ephesians 4 and verse 29.
And then lastly, to have good communication, you must show kindness and respect to the
other person.
That's described in Ephesians 4, 31 and 32.
Verse 32 says, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ
also hath forgiven you.
When you're kind to other people, it encourages good communication.
Now what is kindness?
Well, kindness involves listening carefully to the other person.
Do you really listen to your children?
Do you really listen to your parents?
Do you really listen to your husband?
Do you really listen to your wife?
There are some people who talk all the time, but they never listen.
That's not being kind.
Being kind involves being the first to say, I was wrong, please forgive me.
That's being kind.
Oh, but he...
No.
You know, that's what I hear all the time, and that's what my old wicked heart wants
to say.
But she, she did it too.
Why doesn't she have to say, I'm sorry?
She should be the first to say, please...
No, the Lord says, you be the first.
Don't you worry about the other person.
You just think about yourself.
So being kind means that you'll be willing to be the first to say, I was wrong, please
forgive me.
Being kind means that you'll be willing to make allowances for differences.
She doesn't understand me.
He doesn't understand me.
And I hear that so many times, and finally I'll say to them, well, you know, maybe the
time will never come when you'll understand her and she'll understand you.
Because you see, you're not her and she's not you.
But even though you don't fully understand the other person, because how can you fully
understand the other person when you're not the other person?
I mean, you have to make allowances for differences.
Male and female may be them.
And some people are so threatened by disagreement.
If everybody doesn't look at things and see things exactly as they see them, they get
all upset.
They get husbands who can't take disagreement from their wives, and wives who can't take
disagreement from their husbands.
They won't allow for differences, and that's not being kind.
Because until we get to glory, I think we'll all have some differences of opinion, and
we'll all be seeing things from a slightly different point of view in certain issues.
So being kind means you'll allow the other person to differ with you without punishing
them.
It also means that you'll be willing to forgive the other person's faults.
It means that you'll express appreciation frequently.
And I believe that in the home, appreciation ought to be expressed in relationship to criticism
on at least a three-to-one ratio.
Three expressions of appreciation for every criticism, so that the other person knows,
hey, he's not rejecting me, he's just saying, here's an area in which I'd like you to do
some work.
Being kind means that you'll yield to the other person unless yielding would be contrary
to the revealed will of God.
You want to buy this, I want to buy that, okay.
You want to buy that, fine.
You want to go to the mountains for a vacation, I want to go to the seashore, okay.
If you want to go to the mountains, we'll go to the mountains.
I mean, if there's nothing contrary to the revealed will of God, being kind means you
yield to the other person.
Being kind means you put the best possible interpretation on what the other person says
or what the other person does.
Being kind means you defend the other person.
Being kind means you give the other person time to change.
Being kind means you encourage the other person and help the other person to fulfill his interest
and his projects.
It means that you as a wife find out what your husband is really interested in, what
his projects are, and even if you don't like to do them, you go out and help him do them.
He likes to work in the garden, go out and help him.
He likes to work in carpentry, go out and hold his hammer or his saw for him.
Get involved in what he's doing.
And husbands, you do the same.
Find out what your wife is interested in.
She likes concerts, all right.
Love her enough to go with her to a concert and pray that God give you grace to listen
and to enjoy it.
Get interested in what the other person is interested in.
You parents, get interested in what your children are interested in.
They like to push matchbox cars around the floor.
Get down and push those matchbox cars around the floor.
If your little guy likes to roll around the floor, get down and roll around the floor with him.
Your little girl likes to play with dolls, go ahead and play with dolls with her.
It will open the lines of communication.
It will express to the child, Hey, Mom and Dad really love me.
They're really interested in me.
I say good communication is encouraged by kindness and respect for the other person.
Well there you have some of the practices that need to be developed if good communication
is to be promoted.
Now, as I close, I want you to take a test with three questions, a test with three questions
right now.
In your own heart, I want you to answer these questions.
First of all, how would you rate the communication system in your family?
Excellent, good, fair, or poor.
How would you rate the communication system in your family?
Excellent, good, fair, or poor.
On a scale of 0 to 10, where is the communication system of your family?
That's the first question.
Secondly, how are you doing in eliminating circuit jammers in your communication system?
Are you guilty of any of the forms of lying that I mentioned, deliberate untruth, exaggerating
the truth, misrepresenting the truth, breaking promises?
Ask God for forgiveness and change.
And what about the matter of sinful expressions of anger?
Do you explode, retreat?
It will kill communication and you better deal with it.
If any of you ladies are guilty of retreating into crying and weeping and sulking and pouting
and punishing your husband with silence, I want to say shame on you.
But not only shame on you, it's sinful before God, and you better deal with that as a sin.
And I say that to women because I think it's one of the favorite tools that women use.
Now there are some women who are exploders, but a woman is more prone to be a retrieter
because she knows in a physical contest she usually doesn't stand a ghost of a chance
with her husband.
He's bigger and usually louder than she is.
How about you husbands?
Are you given to exploding, yelling, shouting, pushing, shoving?
I say to you, shame on you.
Shame on me if I'm guilty of that.
It's sinful before God.
It will break down communication and I need to deal with that.
And you children, how about you?
Then lady retreating, I'll show mom and dad I won't talk to them tonight.
I'll go up and close the door and lie on my bed and I'll pout and I'll sulk and I'll show
them that they can't say that to me.
They can't...
That's sinful.
How about the matter of unwholesome speech, abusive speech, defensive speech, always excusing
yourself, finding some rationalization or justification instead of saying, honey, I
was wrong, please forgive me.
Or mom, dad, I was wrong, please forgive me.
Or son, I was wrong, please forgive me.
What about those various forms of unwholesome speech?
Are they found in you?
They'll kill the communication system.
God doesn't want that, neither do you.
And then the third question is, how are you doing in practicing the things that encourage
good communication?
Do you make time to talk to one another?
Do you children make time to talk to your parents?
You call yourselves Christians.
You're responsible for that communication system in your home too.
Are you so busy running here and there, doing this or that, dating maybe, playing maybe
that you don't have time to spend with your mom and dad?
Are you parents so busy that you don't make time to be with your children?
Well, God says if you want good communication, you're going to have to make time.
And what about the matter of dealing with problems biblically, regularly, really talking
to people, getting them out in the open, discussing them calmly, biblically, logically,
prayerfully, carefully?
And then the matter of talking properly, making sure that you say what's good, making sure
that you do it at the right time, making sure you do it with the right motive, with the
right attitude, and in the right manner.
And you say that your speech is good, and when you talk, it's for the purpose of building
the other person up, or is it just because you're teed off and you want to hurt and get
revenge?
And what about the matter of manifesting respect and concern of being kind?
Would your children, would your spouse say you're kind?
Does she really have respect and concern in the way that I described it just a couple
moments ago?
Well, it's an important test for you and me to take.
It's an important test because, to some extent, the success of your family and my family in
being the kind of family that God desires it to be is dependent upon how effective our
communication is.
Yes, communication is important.
It's an important part of our family responsibilities, whether we're parents or children, whether
we're a husband or wife.
Would God help us, then, to hear what he has to say in his word and develop those communication
systems in our homes so that we might encourage and help one another to become everything
that God wants us to be?
Let's pray together.
And let's stand as we close in prayer.
O God, our Heavenly Father, tonight we have heard your word, we've seen what your word
has to say, and I'm sure that every one of us here must bow and say, Lord, forgive me.
Forgive me, for probably every one of us has been guilty of some form of lying, some form
of a sinful expression of anger, some form of unwholesome speech.
And not only have we done what we should not have done, we've left undone the things which
we should have done.
We haven't really made time to talk.
We haven't dealt with our problems biblically, regularly.
We haven't spoken that which is good.
Sometimes we've spoken when we shouldn't have spoken, what we shouldn't have spoken, and
how we shouldn't have spoken.
And Lord, we haven't shown kindness and respect and concern.
We have failed you, Lord, and we have failed our families, and we ask for forgiveness and
pray that tonight, by the grace of God, we would resolve to be different in our families,
in our marriages, and in our homes, that we might be those instruments in your hands in
helping each of us, our family members, to become real servants of Jesus Christ.
All work in our hearts and change us, and thank you for the practicality of your word.
For Jesus Christ's sake we pray, Amen.
Amen.