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Practical Considerations Relative to Singleness By Albert N. Martin

No eyes to see the ball coming their way, or if they have these faculties, something has gone wrong with the motor control, they could not respond and coordinate their bodies. Lord, we're fearfully and wonderfully made, and we thank you for the gift of all of our faculties.
And now we pray that once again, as we would come to subject ourselves to the authority of the word of God written, that the Holy Spirit who wrote it may be our present teacher, guide our thinking, bless in the exposition and application of the word, and then in the discussion to follow, O God, do come, for in thy light alone will we see light through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Now, thus far in our studies, we have sought to underscore, first of all, the basic assumptions
that undergird all that we consider, and those two assumptions are the Father's concern,
and then the Father's word, a concern that is perfectly knowledgeable, a concern that
is presently active, and a concern that is powerfully disposed to our highest good. And
then in the last session, we tried to thrash out a theology of singleness, viewing the
matter of singleness in the light of the biblical teaching of creation, fall, and redemption.
And the general principles extracted were these, that according to the doctrine of creation,
singleness is abnormal. God's norm for the created order was one Adam for one Eve, and
that to be perpetuated in a sinless universe, and we can say with some degree of confidence
that we're not whistling in the dark, that had there been no intrusion of sin, there
probably would have been no singleness as a perpetual state. And then secondly, we considered
singleness in the light of the doctrine of the fall, and tried to bring into sharp focus
some of the principles that indicate many of the causes of singleness are a direct result
of the fall, such as undesirable character traits, a perverted notion of what marriage
is all about, et cetera. And then finally, we looked at the doctrine of singleness in
the light of the biblical doctrine of redemption, and we saw those four great principles concerning
singleness in the orbit of God's redemptive power.
Now we come in our session, our final session, to what I'm calling practical considerations
relative to singleness. And the way we'll think our way through this is, again, along
three lines. First of all, the benefits or compensations of singleness. I changed the
word from advantage. I wasn't pleased with that and just scratched it out now, and I'll
explain why. And then secondly, we'll look at the disadvantages of singleness or the
liabilities of singleness, and thirdly, adjustment to singleness if and until.
First of all, then, the benefits of singleness. Now when I speak of the benefits of singleness,
I am not speaking in terms of greater advantages than the married state. If I talk about the
benefits of eating apples, I'm not knocking eating pears or saying that eating apples
is better than eating pears. I'm simply saying there are certain physical advantages in eating
apples that are not to be found in eating pears, but eating pears has certain physical
advantages that eating apples will not give you. So this is not setting the single state
against the married state and weighing which one is greater in worth. No, we're isolating
the single state, considering the peculiar compensations or advantages of that state,
and then we'll isolate it and look at its peculiar disadvantages or liabilities and
all of these seeking to derive our perspectives from the word of God. And I would suggest
that in the single state there are at least four peculiar advantages or benefits or compensations.
The first one is, of course, spiritually. And the apostle refers to this in the passage
that we read in our previous study and to which we now return in some greater detail,
1 Corinthians 7 verses 25 to 35. Here the apostle Paul teaches that the single state
is one in which there are distinct spiritual advantages if the single state is embraced
scripturally. And that's the big if. There are no automatic spiritual advantages of the
single state, but there is an opportunity for spiritual benefit if it is rightly received
and the stewardship of singleness rightly discharged. I begin reading with verse 25.
Now concerning virgins, I have no commandment of the Lord. That is, there is no previous
revelation either in what we would call apostolic verbal tradition or the written scriptures.
Paul is not saying that what he gives is not authoritative. He's saying I have no previous
revelation in writing or in apostolic tradition, but I am now giving you my judgment as an
inspired apostle. Now concerning virgins, I have no commandment of the Lord, but I give
my judgment as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be trustworthy. I think, therefore,
that it is good by reason of the distress that is upon us, namely, that it's good for
a man to be as he is. In other words, there was a peculiar local situation that meant
that the married state had more than its normal measures of liabilities and responsibilities.
Art thou bound unto a wife? Seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? Seek
not a wife. But shouldest thou marry, thou hast not sinned. And if a virgin marries,
she hath not sinned. Yet such shall have tribulation in the flesh, and I would spare you.
Now you see, the apostle's whole motive is not that he's a sour old bachelor or a sour
divorcee, as some suggest, or a bitter old widower, but he says I have a genuine concern
to spare you of certain things, and therefore in the light of these peculiar circumstances
in which you are living, my counsel is that perhaps the single state will be to your advantage.
But this I say, brethren, that time is shortened, that henceforth they that have wives may be
as though they had none, and those that weep as though they wept not, and those that rejoice
as though they rejoice not, and those that buy as though they possess not, and those
that use the world as not, using it to the full, for the fashion of this world passeth
away. But I would have you to be free from cares. You see that strand of emphasis that
comes out again? I would spare you. I would have you to be free from cares. He that is
unmarried is careful for the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. He that
is married is careful for the things of the world, how he may please his wife. Now this
is not a complete or an absolute contrast. A married Christian is certainly careful for
the Lord. No man's a Christian who excludes the Lord from his married life. But what he's
saying is that in addition to normal spiritual demands and privileges and opportunities,
the married man also has legitimate domestic duties and responsibilities, whereas the non-married
man does not. So this is not an absolute contrast, but a relative contrast. Verse 34.
So the woman that is unmarried and the virgin is careful for the things of the Lord, that
she may be holy both in body and spirit, but she that is married is careful for the things
of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that
I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is seemly, that you may attend upon
the Lord without distraction. Now that's the key phrase, that I may spare you of cares,
that you may be free from cares, that you may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
And so the apostle intimates that there are distinct spiritual advantages to the single
state. Therefore the single person who has learned to discipline the added time, the
conserved energies of the single state can make spiritual strides that that same person
in the married state would not be able to make. Now you find at least two clear examples
of this in the New Testament. You have in Luke chapter 2 a wonderful example of a woman
who used her single state, in this case the state of widowhood, to her own and others'
spiritual advantage. Luke chapter 2, verses 36 and 37. And there was one Anna, a prophetess,
the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was of great age, having lived with a
husband seven years from her virginity, and she had been a widow even unto four score
and four years. So she was 84 years of age. She had been married for only seven years
of that time. But what did she do after she entered the single state again? It says she
departed not from the temple, worshiping with fastings and supplications night and day.
Here was a woman who gave herself to a ministry of prayer. This became her life. There were
no crying children, demanding that she feed their mouths. There was no husband who demanded
of her, in the right sense, his due as a husband, both in keeping the home, in providing
form, sexually, emotionally, all of these ways. And so her single state was turned to
her and others' spiritual advantage. And you have the Apostle Paul intimating that this
is many times the peculiar opportunity of widows, 1 Timothy 5 and verse 5. 1 Timothy
5 and verse 5, Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, hath her hope set on God, and
continueth in supplications and prayers night and day. Here's a widow who is able to embrace
her widowhood, that is, her state of singleness, and turn it to her spiritual profit.
So then there are distinct benefits and compensations of a single life. One of them is here defined
as spiritual. Then secondly, there are distinct benefits culturally. Now this is a big world
with much to know, to enjoy, and to experience. And though we just read in 1 Corinthians 7
that we who are in the world are not to use the world to the full, that is, live as though
we only went around once and this was all. Nonetheless, the Scripture says God has given
us all things richly to enjoy. We read in 1 Corinthians 3 that the world is yours. And
because this is God's world, and as the Christian, I'm the only one who's able rightly to understand
it and rightly to use it, it is a wonderful thing to be able to travel and to take in
more of God's world, to see the different cultures that he has made, to read and try
to stretch one's mind with reference to the many facets of God's world and man whom God
has placed in it, to visit with people, all of the things that mean legitimate cultural
development that make you more and more a whole person. Why, you see, the single person
has a distinct advantage. As a married man, I cannot spend legitimately even an evening
a week developing my cultural capacities. I'd love to, but I cannot, because if I can
have a free evening from the responsibilities of the ministry, I must spend that with my
family. Now, that's a delight. That's not a burden, but it is a duty, and duty and delight
are not necessarily contradictions.
So then, a single person has this distinct advantage of the cultural opportunities or
opportunities for cultural development and advancement. And then thirdly, there is a
benefit diaconately, and I'm using the word diaconately in terms of loving service rendered
to the people of God. Again, the single person has a tremendous advantage in seeking out
people who just need to have two ears into which to talk. And the single person without
domestic responsibilities can have a tremendous ministry of service, the service of simply
listening for an evening to an older person, to a distressed person, someone in special
need, to entertain the lonely and the confused. Because of the fewer monetary demands generally
upon the single person, man or woman, the single person can serve much more in acts
of Christian kindness and benevolence, giving far beyond the tithe, responding to specific
needs that come into the awareness of that individual. The money is not going for the
clothes for children for seasons and all the rest, and though uncle gives me $750 for each
of my child for deductions, I tell you, I don't raise them on $750 a year. You pay that
alone for their Christian school tuition and transportation just about. So there is the
demand economically that the single person does not have much freer to turn one's fruit
of earning into loving diaconate ministry. And then, fourthly, there is a distinct benefit
or advantage evangelistically. And, of course, the apostle Paul is the classic example of
someone who recognized this and was willing to submit himself to singleness for evangelistic
purposes. In 1 Corinthians 9, he says, Have we not a right to lead about a wife, even
as the rest of the apostles? Verse 5, then he talks about his other rights, the right
to live of the gospel, the right to be free from the trappings of the ceremonial law.
These are his rights as a Christian, as a son of God. He's free from any kind of asceticism,
which would say you can't be married, you can't eat. He's free from any kind of bondage
to these matters. Yet he says in verse 15, I have used none of these things. Why? For,
verse 17, if I do this of mine own will, I have a reward, but not of mine own will. I
have a stewardship entrusted to me. What then is my reward that when I preach the gospel,
I make the gospel without charge? He goes on to say that I relinquish these rights because
of my concern to advance the gospel of Jesus Christ. So when I was among the Jews, I submitted
myself to the ceremonial trappings that I might gain the conscience of the Jews. And
because I was determined to take the gospel to all the population centers of the Roman
Empire, I forwent the privilege of having a wife. It wouldn't be right to bring a wife
onto a ship that ends up at the bottom of the ocean and you floating on a plank and
all of the rest. And we've just finished reading the book of Acts in our own family
devotions and I've just seen the wisdom of the apostle. It would have been cruel for
him to have subjected a woman to the kind of life he lived as a pioneer missionary and
an apostle. And so the single person does have distinct evangelistic advantages. I'm
convinced that if a man feels his call is pioneer missionary work into raw, undeveloped
cultures, it is wrong for him. It is wrong for him to take a wife and then leave that
wife and children two and three months at a time while he goes on trek and then sees
them for a week or two and then is off three months. My Bible says husbands dwell with
your wives, according to knowledge. My Bible says ye fathers rear your children. And I
cannot believe God gives a man a wife only to direct him to leave that wife more time
than when he's with her. And I think you need to face this with regard to careers.
I believe there are Christian men sinning, preserving their careers at the expense of
being obedient to dwelling with their wives and caring for and rearing their children.
Likewise, in terms of home Bible studies, the establishment of the kind of relationships
that demand time. There are some people, if you're going to reach them with the gospel,
you have to spend hours and hours just nurturing their friendship. Maybe some distressed gal
in the office where you work. The kind of person that never had a mother who listened
to her, didn't have a father who cared, has never had a friend, and somehow this person
has sensed in you a friend, and so what do they do? They're trying to make up inside
of a few months all the dimensions of friendship that they haven't had for years. That takes
time. Time that many times only a single person has legitimately available, and so there are
distinct evangelistic advantages to the single state.
So then I would suggest that in these four areas, spiritually, culturally, diaconately,
and evangelistically, there are these benefits, these compensations of the single state if,
if, and there's the big if, if the single state is embraced to the heart and the stewardship
of that single state is discharged under the eye of God. Now let me ask you who are single
and would have it otherwise, if in that present state you have recognized your singleness
as a peculiar stewardship. I know you've recognized it as a burden, and it's shameful to say in
some areas you even must bear it as a stigma, and that's wicked. You'll never hear me publicly
talk about old maids. That's wicked to make people feel there's a stigma to singleness.
But now if you felt the stigma, if you felt the pangs, let me ask you, have you ever consciously
embraced the privileges of the stewardship of singleness? Lord, in your wise and loving
providence I'm in a situation that can be to my advantage spiritually, culturally, diaconately,
and evangelistically. Lord, help me to see and to discharge that stewardship. Maybe that's
the key that some of you need to put into the lock of a present state of frustration
and bitterness, and you'll find yourself walking through the door thus unlocked into a new
dimension of liberty, freedom, and joy in the Holy Spirit. So if you have yet to accept
your state as a possible gift from God, I hope you will, seeing that there are distinct
advantages. If you are plagued with the kind of a chronic illness that makes you too high
a risk for marriage, male or female, then perhaps you need to look upon that chronic
illness or sickness as God's way of hedging you into the stewardship of the single life
and its peculiar compensations and advantages. All right? Moving then from the distinct advantages
of the single state, it has its own peculiar liabilities and disadvantages. Since it is
an abnormal state, there are special dangers attached to it. And let me suggest, first
of all, there are dangers morally, secondly spiritually, and thirdly as a catchall for
some others I couldn't classify generally. All right? First of all, then, the disadvantage
is morally. And here we go to the first few verses of 1 Corinthians 7.
Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.
In other words, Paul says if a man has the gift of celibacy and he never touches, that
is, he never enters into sexual union with a woman, this is not to be regarded as something
that is a negation of his manhood. You see, he's not saying it's better. He's simply saying
it is good. If a man has the gift of singleness, there's nothing wrong with it. The single
state is good. The married state is good. That's all he's saying. It is good if a man
does not touch a woman. But because of fornications, that is, because of sexual deviations, impurities,
let each man have his own wife, that's a command, and each woman have her own husband, also
a command. Then, from the command to have a wife or husband, he says, then function
sexually as a wife or husband should. Let the husband render unto the wife her due.
That is, be sensitive to and responsive to her physical, sexual needs. And likewise,
the wife unto the husband. Why? The wife hath not power over her own body. That is,
her body as a sexual entity was not given for herself. And this will help you with the
whole question of masturbation. Our sexual faculties were given not for ourselves. Isn't
that what he says? The wife hath not power over her own body. Her body as a sexual entity
was not given for herself, but was given that as an Eve she might answer to the needs of
her Adam. Likewise, he says, the husband hath not power over his own body. My body as a
sexual entity was not made such for me. It was made for my Eve. Therefore, he says, do
not withhold one from the other except by mutual consent for a season that you may give
yourselves unto prayer, and may be together again that Satan tempt you not because of
your incontinency. But this I say, by way of concession, not of commandment. That is,
there is no previous revelation that I'm reiterating. Yet I would that all men were even as myself.
Howbeit each man hath his own gift from God, one after this manner and another after that.
Now the Bible knows nothing of the kind of fastidiousness that will not discuss sexual
matters with discretion and frankness. This is purely a hangover of pagan thought. It's
a carryover of a long-time kind of Victorian mentality. The Bible speaks very realistically
to the peculiar moral problems of singleness. Now follow closely. When I say that marriage
is not a cure-all for all sexual problems, and if you think it is, you're kidding yourself.
Marriage is not a cure-all for all sexual problems or problems of a sexual nature. Neither
is marriage an ironclad insurance against immorality. But marriage is the normal, legitimate
outlet for normal, God-given sexual appetite and desire. And I've used the word normal
carefully. I have married people coming to me still troubled with masturbation and with
pornography. These are abnormal things. I've had to deal with married people who have problems
with homosexuality. Abnormal sexual behavior operates at a separate realm, and I don't
understand it, but I know it so in pastoral counseling. Marriage is the God-ordained fulfillment
of normal sexual desire. So if you're dallying around with deviant sexual appetite, don't
you think that marriage is going to rectify that? You'll carry that problem right into
your marriage. That's why you need to deal with it now or you're not prepared to be married.
And I could cite instances, but I won't. I'll just state the fact, and if anyone wants the
proof of that privately without mentioning names, I'd be glad to mention some of these
names. And so if you have no gift from God for self-control, and there's no other alternative,
it's either burn with passion or be married. And people say, well, the Bible doesn't speak
explicitly about certain other forms of sexual outlet. It doesn't speak explicitly about
masturbation. No, it doesn't. But don't you catch some of the undertones and overtones
in this passage? What does Paul say? If a man cannot contain, if a woman cannot contain,
let them terminate their sexual desire upon themselves. No, he says, let them marry or
burn. The only God-ordained outlet of normal sexual desire and appetite is the married
state. And therefore, if you have no gift from God for the celibate state, yet remain
single and cripple yourself with sexual sins, you're violating the spirit of the seventh
commandment.
In the larger catechism, the question is asked, how is the seventh commandment violated? And
you know what one of the answers is? Undue delay of marriage. Undue delay of marriage.
Is this a command or a suggestion in 1 Corinthians 7, verse 2? But because of fornications or,
that is, sexual impurity, let each man have his own wife. Is that a suggestion or a command?
You're under commandment to be married. If God has not given the capacity for singleness,
each man hath his gift from God. And if God has not given that gift, and you remain unmarried,
you're sinning. Some of you gals say, yeah, I know that, but you just don't go out and
grab a husband. I'm not a man. I'd like to. Ah, but listen, listen, listen. Though you
cannot take the initiative in the way a man can, you can deal with those things that are
making you undesirable for men, and we'll come to some of those factors. So there are
peculiar dangers morally. The outlet for sexual desire is not fantasy, fornication, masturbation,
pornography. It is the sanctity of the married relationship discharged under the eye of God,
recognizing that as an Eve, I am a sexual being to fulfill my Adam. As an Adam, I am
a sexual being to fulfill and complement my Eve. All right? Secondly, there are distinct
liabilities and disadvantages spiritually. And I trust, again, you'll listen carefully
as I try to develop this thought. Let me do so by laying a couple of principles before
you. God has ordained human relationships as a means of sanctification. That's why he
puts us in his church. We're never saved in isolation. We're saved individually, but we're
saved and incorporated into the body of Christ, right? By one spirit, we're all baptized into
one body. Now, one of God's purposes in putting us into the body is that in the context of
the interrelationships of the body, we might act as sandpaper upon one another, that we
might be instrumental in each other's sanctification. So that's principle number one. God has ordained
human relationships as a means of sanctification. Secondly, the more intimate the human relationship,
the more potentially sanctifying it becomes. People from a distance neither aggravate me,
provoke me, nor influence me for my better, for my good. But it's when we get into closer
proximity to each other that something in them provokes something in me and brings to
the surface an attitude, a disposition that is sinful, that is wicked. Or in that closer
relationship, I see a virtue in them that I begin to emulate and imitate, and it's for
my well-being. That's the second principle. The more intimate a relationship, the more
potentially sanctifying it is. Well, you see what my third one's going to be, don't you?
Since marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, it is the most sanctifying
of all human relationships. And because this is true, or I'll show you how it is true,
and then we'll do the because. In the marriage bond, there is a daily and constant call to
the first requirement of discipleship. What's the first requirement of discipleship? If
any man will come after me, let him what? Deny himself, deny himself, deny himself.
Now what happens in the married relationship? I as a husband can no longer think in terms
of I, me, and mine, and me. It is ours, us, she, they, them. From the most mundane things
as to what will be served at my table, to the more profound and weighty issues as where
we shall live, what kind of job I shall enjoy and give myself to. I cannot think in terms
of my personal inclinations alone, my likes and dislikes. No, no. I must learn to say
no to myself for the sake of that wife whom I'm seeking to love as Christ loved the Church,
who said no to himself and said, Not my will, but thine, be done, and gave himself up in
a bloody death upon the cross. The principle, he that would save his life shall what? Lose
it, but he that shall lose his life for my sake shall save it. And you see, the intimacy
of marriage and the resultant family life holds the most wonderful circumstance in which
to see yourself for what you really are, to see how deeply ingrained is your selfishness,
your pride, your stubbornness, and all of your other sinful quirks. And when marriage
is rightly embraced as a sanctifying gift from God, it becomes a marvelous instrument
in the development of the Christian life. Therefore, as a general rule, and I'm just
speaking generally, thank God there are blessed exceptions, but they are but blessed exceptions,
continuance in the single state generally results in the development of glaring areas
of inconsistency and insensitivity in the man or woman who continues in that state.
The picture of the self-centered, insensitive, egotistical bachelor didn't come from nowhere.
It did not come from nowhere. Double negatives, but it's still good English. It did not come
from nowhere. It came from somewhere. And the picture of the joyless, jealous, sour
maiden did not come out of the blue either. Where did it come from? It came from human
observation. When you take Ephesians 5 seriously and realize that there is no lesser standard
for the husband-wife relationship than that intimate, beautiful, lofty relationship of
Christ to his church, you realize that the demands for deep, inward, personal sanctification
are more intensely applied in the married state as a general rule than could ever be
known in the single state. And the reason some of you have reached a plateau in general
development of Christian character is that you're still in the single state. And I've
made the statement privately, and I'm not afraid to make it publicly, I've rarely met
a bachelor who gets much beyond 30 who grows significantly in likeness to Christ while
remaining a bachelor. Rarely. Now, thank God there are a few exceptions. But as a general
rule, this is true. Because there's something about having to live for your wife and your
children that makes it much easier to live for brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.
This whole matter of sensitivity. You just can't in the family go around with one big
red toe, just waiting for everybody to touch it. You can't do it! You can't do it! And
so you learn to conquer hypersensitivity, jealousy, all of these petty things that are
such a grief to the Lord and a stench in his nostrils. How I thank God for the disciplines
of sanctification that my wife and my children have provided for me. I've still got a long
way to go, but I wonder what kind of a character I'd be if it hadn't been for their blessed
influence upon me for almost 20 years. I thank God for that. And there's another factor that
empties here. Most women, and here I must say because the Bible speaks of this in the
feminine perspective, most women, particularly if they're young, cannot handle the added
opportunities of singleness. They abuse them to greater sin. That's why Paul said in 1
Timothy 5, 13 and 14, I will that the younger women marry. Why? Because he says if they
don't, they run about from house to house idle busybodies. 1 Timothy 5 verses 13 and
14. Look at the direction. We could start with verse 11. But the younger widows refuse,
that is, don't enroll them and make them wards of the church, for when they've waxed wanton
against Christ they desire to marry, having condemnation because they've rejected their
first pledge, and withal they learn also to be idle, going about from house to house
and not only idle, but tacklers also and busybodies speaking things that they ought not. I desire
therefore that the younger, and widows is implied, it just says younger, could be widows
or he could be extending it to women as well in general, that the younger marry, bear children,
rule the household. Why? As a means of sanctification. He said to keep them from gossip, to keep
them from being busybodies. Get them busy about others' bodies, and then they won't
be busy about busybodying. You see what he's saying? Get them busy caring for the bodies
of their children, the body of the husband. Get them busy in the areas of legitimate concern.
It will act as a preventative to these other areas of sinful behavior. So there are distinct
disadvantages to the single state. Spiritually, your own sanctification can be impeded while
you continue in the single state. You may not be able to handle the peculiar opportunities
of singleness, and therefore your singleness becomes a stumbling block. And then of course
thirdly, and again I speak with pain because I know how some of you girls would long to
have a spiritual head, since the fall of man, woman, is even more dependent upon the man
and his leadership than even before. Genesis 3 16, after the fall, God said in the context
of pronouncing the curse upon the earth and bringing temporal judgments to Adam and Eve,
thy desire shall be to thy husband and he shall rule over thee. Whatever proper submission
there was before the fall, woman's dependence upon the man has even been intensified since
the fall. And I don't understand that, but it's revealed in Scripture. And you have that
reiterated in 1 Corinthians 11 as well. And so there are distinct disadvantages. I say
to some of you fellows, the best thing in the world that could happen to you is begin
to have to be concerned about somebody else other than yourself. Be the most wonderful
thing in the world for you to begin to take into the orbit of your life the biblical notion
that I shall begin to relate to another person where the standard of that relationship is
nothing less than Christ's relationship to his church. Blessed is the girl who comes
into such an orbit, and blessed is the man who begins to exercise such a love. So there
are distinct disadvantages, morally, spiritually, and then that little catch-all generally.
And let me mention just a couple of things. First of all, generally, the disadvantage
of the single state is an inability to relate to many people in a deep and meaningful way.
2 Corinthians 1 contains a wonderful principle of the Christian life. Paul says, God who
comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort others by the comfort
wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. Paul says, whether we are afflicted, it is
for your sake. Whether we are comforted, it is for your sake. In other words, Paul got
beyond the notion that everything that happens to me terminates upon me. He says, no, what
happens to me terminates upon those to whom I minister. And one of the great blessings
you see of the trials, the heartaches, the sorrows, the tensions, the problems, the joys,
and the consolations of marriage is that those sorrows and joys and consolations fit you
to enter in much more broadly and sympathetically to the needs of others. I don't know how if
I were not a married man, I could give premarital counseling. I don't know how I could stand
with parents whose hearts are breaking over their children unless I myself knew what it
was to have a heavy heart for my children. So there is that general inability to enter
in and identify, not of necessity now, God can make single people very sensitive, but
they're the exception. And then, of course, the second general disadvantage is most people
cannot rise above the constant awareness of incompleteness in the single state, which
makes them restless. They can't settle into a career, they can't settle into a job, they're
just like a cat on a tin roof in the sense that their feet can never rest. And there's
something very, very, very sad about a restless single who obviously is screaming to the world,
I feel my singleness, I'm restless, I'm discontent, I'm unsettled. And that's a general disadvantage
of the single state. Now, I'm sure others could be mentioned, but these are the ones
that as I thought over these matters and tried to relate them to the Scriptures came most
forcefully to my own mind. All right, having looked then at the benefits of singleness,
the liabilities of singleness, now our third concern, adjustment to singleness if and until,
that is, if God has marriage for you and until he brings it to pass. Now I'm going to give
you seven little axioms or principles or rules or directions, whatever you want to
call them. All right? The first one is this. Accept your present state of singleness as
a wise, loving dispensation of your loving Heavenly Father. Now that almost drips with
love, but I did it purposely. Accept your present state of singleness as a loving, wise
dispensation of your loving Heavenly Father. If I'm of marriageable age, why has God not
brought my Eve to me? Why has God not brought my Adam to me? Well, I don't know all the
reasons, but Father, I know one thing. My life is not a little area in the universe
from which you have abdicated your sovereign control. I am not a little vacuum spot in
the universe outside of your control and your loving provision. Father, I do believe that
all things are working together for my good. Go back to Philippians 4, 13, and 14. Lord,
teach me in this present state to be content. Lord, I couldn't rightly receive my Eve or
my Adam unless I was content. And there's a beautiful example of that in creation. There's
no indication that Adam was running around, pulling God's skirt, saying, God, when in
the world are you going to get an Eve for me? He was willing to sleep while God made
his Eve. Are you? You see what I'm talking about now? In the sense that you can embrace
the singleness as a loving dispensation of your loving Heavenly Father. And I say this
fully conscious that God could bring me to that place in years ahead. And I trust someone
will remind me of what I'm saying to you now should God bring me to that place. The thought
of living without the woman who shared my life for 18 years is unthinkable as two become
so much one in every dimension of life. It's unthinkable, but one thing I know, if God
brought me through that trial, he would not shortchange me with his grace. I'd become
an atheist before I believed that. So you must, from the heart, embrace it as a loving,
wise dispensation of a loving Father. Secondly, exploit your present state of singleness in
all of its advantages. Exploit it. There are times when some of you, you say, yeah, it
wouldn't be, but you mark my word, it'll be true. There's some of you, if you're married
a couple of years from now, there are situations where you'll hanker for your single state.
There'll be times when you say, oh, if only. That's right. That's right. See, you look
at marriage very romantically and unrealistically, most of you. But you get on the inside of
it, and the grass ain't quite as green as it was when you were looking out from the
fence which said, stay off. When you've walked through the fence and you're in the pasture,
it's not quite the same. So exploit your present state of singleness in all of its advantages.
You have no assurance of tomorrow. Live to the hilt the will of God today. Say to yourself
and then to the Lord, I shall capitalize upon the distinct spiritual, cultural, diaconate
and evangelistic advantages of my single state. Now follow, not only will this please
God, but it's the best advertisement to your potential Adam or Eve that you're worth being
married. If you don't live to the hilt the opportunities of the single state, how does
anyone know or have any assurance you're going to live to the hilt the opportunities and
privileges of the married state? Isn't this what Jesus meant when he said, he that is
faithful in little is faithful in much? He that is unjust in little is unjust in much.
You see, a woman or a man does not bring anything into marriage but what they bring to marriage.
And you bring nothing to marriage but what you have in your single state. There's no
magic gases that surround the front of a church when you say, I do, that change you into some
kind of a mighty spiritual giant, a sensitive, tender man and a loving, obedient, submissive
woman. There's no magical gases that surround the marriage altar and there's no magical
gases in the honeymoon suite either. Now that's the reason some of you aren't married, because
it's too evident to fellows or girls that you're not living to the hilt. You're present
opportunity. You're a dull person, miserably dull. From the thought of living with you
for the rest of the life, you'll turn a guy off or a fellow off so quickly. Why? Because
you're not living to the hilt, the present dimensions of your opportunities. And so I
plead with you, exploit your present state of singleness in all its advantages. Thirdly,
work on your undesirables. Now you know what this is going to mean, and some of you just
don't have the spiritual guts to do this, but I hope some of you do. Go to some people
whose spiritual judgment you trust, whose spiritual counsel in whose spiritual counsel
you have confidence, and say to them, are you my brother, my sister in the Lord? Yes.
Do you love me for Christ's sake? Yes. All right. Do you believe what the Scripture says,
faithful of the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful?
And then you ask that person or those people this question. What do you see in my whole
lifestyle that from your perspective as a married person would make me undesirable as
a marriage partner? And then be prepared to swallow your pride? Dare to do that. No,
I'm dead serious now. I'm dead in earnest. Be prepared for somebody to say, well, I'll
tell you, you are the dullest, drabest dresser. Invest a few bucks in some new clothes, or
you are a bore in a public group. You run off at the mouth. Nobody else gets a chance.
You irritate people. You just plain talk too much, or you're too loud. You dominate the
conversation, or they may have to say, look, you're so painfully shy that you almost hang
out a shingle saying, don't get too close because I'll run if you do. You've got to
work on your shyness. I mean, are you that serious about becoming a desirable marriage
partner that you're willing for that kind of self-exposure? It doesn't stop with this,
you know. Periodically, I must ask my wife. It hurts, but I must do it as a husband. Honey,
what do you see in me that is not consistent with what I profess to be? What areas of my
life are not yielding before the sanctifying influence of the Spirit? You think it's pleasant
when she says, well, honey, I have noticed that in recent days you've been awfully quick
if this situation or that situation develops. I haven't said anything, but I have prayed
about it, and I'll say, well, help me to see that thing. And then I'll say to a dear, remind
me. God puts her there to be an instrument of sanctification in my life. Well, you don't
have that relationship yet, and many of you won't have it until you're willing to start
this with someone who can be a mirror in which you can see yourself reflected. Start working
on your undesirables. That means, first of all, you've got to see those undesirables
in your physical appearance, in your general character, in your general competence to be
a provider, to be a good wife, what graces, what attitudes. Some of you just need to start
losing the fat that hangs on you. Because though we mentioned earlier we're not to judge
solely by outward appearance, if God has made us for the most part that blubber is ugly
and absence of it is more attractive, then God expects us to live in a world where that's
so, and to act accordingly. Get rid of that drab appearance. Tame your loud voice. Stop
reading or writing your emotions all over your face so that people can tell from ten
blocks away that you've got the world on your shoulder. You know, these are undesirable
character traits that you must work on. Now follow me, follow me. There's nothing that
will make you more desirable as a marriage partner that won't make you a better Christian.
So if for no other motive than being more like Christ, shouldn't you want to deal with
your undesirables? What have you lost? Nothing but that which is ugly and a reproach to Christ
and dishonoring to his name. So that's my third line of counsel. Accept your present
state. Exploit it. Work on your undesirables. Number four, pray continually for God's preparation
of you and his provision for you. Pray for God's preparation of you and his provision
for you. If you believe that marriage is the norm and you're not going to accept that you're
the exception until God makes it plain in his providence, then you should assume that
marriage is God's lot for you. Therefore pray as part of your regular prayer concerns, Lord,
make me the kind of Adam that will be what I ought to be to the Eve that you're preparing
for me. Pray for God's preparation of you and his provision for you. Lord, I don't ask
you to put me to sleep and take a rib, but I do believe you are just as certainly and
powerfully preparing an Eve for me who will answer to my needs. And this comes into an
area where the physical, the emotional, the psychological, God nowhere promises that he'll
give me a beautiful woman or a beautiful man in the sense that they would win beauty contests.
Not neither will God make me marry someone who turns me off physically. That would be
tyrannical. God's no tyrant. He will cause the person to be attractive to me. But I can't
say what that is. Oh, I like blondes or I like brunettes. It's amazing how that changes
with things. This is no insult to blondes, but after living with a brunette for 18 years,
blondes look so blah to me now. They just do. When I was a teenager, I thought blondes
were great. Now, blondes, meh. Blue eyes, meh. I've just been living with dark hair
and brown eyes for so long that to me that's the only thing that counts. You see? Those
things can change. So my counsel to you is pray for God's preparation of you and his
provision for you. Philippians 4, 5, and 6, in nothing be anxious but by prayer. James
4, ye have not because ye what? Ye ask not. Or, he says, ye ask and receive not. Why?
Because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lust. Your whole concern for
marriage partners, I want something for me, rather than, Lord, you've made me to contribute
to someone. You see the difference of the whole perspective? Now, Lord, fit me to be
one who will give myself to compliment my Adam, my Eve. All right, direction number
five. Put yourself in the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. That's what this
weekend is. And I don't think we need to be embarrassed about that. Put yourself in
the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. If you're a Christian, there's only one thing
you can say for sure about that husband or wife that God will give you. It will be another
believer. God never leads believers to marry unbelievers. Now, he may overrule the headstrong
folly of some, but it's never his revealed will. Be not unequally yoked together with
unbelievers. How can the most intimate relationship of all human relationships attain any intimacy
when there's no intimacy at the deepest level of intimacy which is the spiritual? It's impossible.
So then, put yourself in the place of legitimate contacts and acquaintances. Is there anything
wrong with a fellow seeking to know where there may be some Christian girls and seeking
to put himself in some kind of geographical proximity? No. Not unless he must relinquish
other duties to do so. Is there anything wrong with girls doing the same? No. Now, if they
come into the situation with a sign around their neck saying, I'm available and waiting
to be plucked now, let all things be done with moderation. All right?
Directive number six. And now here's where I'm going to get in hot water again, but I've
got to say it. Direction number six is establish biblical and realistic ideals. All right,
you're praying for your Eve and for your Adam. Now, how are you going to recognize them when
they come? Oh, you say, it'll be easy. It'll be six foot two, 44 inch chest, 34 inch waist.
Oh, it'll be easy to recognize. You're going to recognize. Is that what you're doing? That's
tempting God. To pray for something and then not to use means to attain it or to tell God
what it should be is tempting God. And so my sixth exhortation is establish biblical
and realistic ideals. And where do you get them? From the scripture. Talk with married
people. Talk with married people. Single out some guy in the church who seems to be happily
married and whose wife is just ordinary looking. You fellas. And talk to him. Say, now look,
I hope you don't feel insulted, but I need light. I need help. Your wife is obviously
a fine Christian woman, but she'd never make the average guy turn twice when she walked
by. No, that's right. No, I'm dead serious. I'm not trying to be funny, but I admire you.
You obviously have a happy relationship. You obviously are not looking at other women.
Tell me just what is the place of the physical attractiveness in the marriage. And you get
it straight from the horse's mouth. Get it straight from some married man and let him
tell you how relatively insignificant is the arrangement here, here, here, and the rest
of the place. You let him tell you. And it'll help you to establish realistic ideals. Same
way with your girls. You don't need a man that is a little Greek god to meet your needs
physically, emotionally, in every other way. You have a man who takes seriously Ephesians
5 and he could be 4'8", 5 feet with his Adler's elevated shoes on. And you let him have glasses
as thick as Coke bottles. But listen, if he takes Ephesians 5 seriously and tries to
love you as Christ loved the church and rear your children to the glory of God, you know
what you'll do at the end of your days? You'll say, thank God for the Adam the Lord gave
me. You will. You will. And we could parade into this place, woman after woman, who would
make that her testimony. We could also parade in here things that would land us all in a
veritable botchum, a veil of tears, of girls who set unreal ideals and standards and either
jumped at people who met those standards contrary to the word or—listen to me, listen—because
they set unrealistic standards for so long and God never met those standards, never brought
an Adam or an Eve who met those standards. Then they began to get desperate and they
jumped at the first thing with trousers on it when they began to get to that place where
they realized, look, if I don't get married soon, I've had it. And that's the tragic case
of many Christian girls.
Pastor Blaise and I were talking yesterday. We meet on Fridays to share and pray together
and I went over the material with him and I said, I'd appreciate any additional help
or emphases you feel I should make. And he said, one point you must make. He said, I
saw time after time in London was girls who set unrealistic ideals and then years passed
and no one fit that idealistic mold. And in their desperation, they grabbed at anything
and they rue the day that they did. So I plead with you, establish biblical and realistic
ideals for what you want and believe God would have you desire in a husband or wife. And
then the seventh directive, and this is my final word to you, and this perhaps is the
most difficult directive to obey, face your real reasons for avoiding marriage. Face your
real reasons for avoiding marriage. Now, of course, this applies to those of you who could,
humanly speaking, be married. If you wanted to, bad enough. Why is it? Why is it? Some
of you fellas, the minute a girl really begins to show a favorable, positive, I'm available
response, you get turned off. And it's those who say, as you begin to show a real interest,
I'm not interested, you continue to hold a torch for them. You know what the real reason
is? You really don't want to be married. You're scared of marriage. And you want to kid yourself
that you want to be married and you say, well, I want Sodex but the one I want doesn't want
me. No, no, the real issue is, consciously or unconsciously, you're scared to death of
the responsibilities of marriage. So any girl that you really know is available, you conveniently
avoid any kind of an intimate relationship that might eventuate in marriage. Now, you
need to face that some of you fellas, honestly, squarely, head on and say, Lord, that's it.
I've been playing games. And you need to stop playing games in the light of the principles
that we considered this morning. For some of you girls, the same thing is true. You
don't want the total exposure that marriage will bring. A fellow begins to show real interest
in you and you know that areas of your whole entire personality begin to be opened up that
you don't want anybody. I'm not talking about some sordid affair in the past. I don't mean
that. But you just don't want that kind of total intrusion. Remember where the creation
account ended? And they were both naked and were not ashamed. And thank God in redemption.
That's what God does with a man and woman. They stand naked before each other. I'm not
talking physically, though the physical may enter into the sexual act. I'm talking about
the personality. I dare to be fully exposed to another person and wonder wonders, still
be confident that they love me. Are you ready for total exposure? That won't be pleasant.
Maybe that's why you're avoiding marriage. I don't want that level of exposure. I like
these casual equations. They're fine. They're nice. But total exposure never. You better
face that for what it is, because that's a result of the fall. That's a result of sin.
Because it's sin not entered, every eve would welcome total exposure with every Adam. Every
Adam would welcome total exposure with the eve that God gave him. It's sin that has made
us ashamed. It's sin that has filled us with fears, and perfect love casteth out fear.
Face your real reasons for avoiding marriage. Face them honestly. Ask God to dig down into
the deep levels of your personality, and bring to light those real reasons, and then
by the grace of God, begin to deal with them. And you may think, well, my problem is such
that I just could never expose it. May I give you a little encouragement? I've deliberately
steered clear of anecdotes and stories, because I wanted to give you biblical materials. But
let me just conclude with one or two incidences that may help you.
There was one young man in past ministries, not a member of our church, so you Trinity
people don't sit there and say, oh, here he is.
Who one day at a wedding, of all places, came up to me with almost a wild look in his eye
and says, I've got to speak to you. Apparently the whole wedding ceremony and everything
just finally gave him the courage that he felt he could tell something he never told
anyone else to do. He said, you know, Pastor Martin, why? I've just had casual interest,
and then I back off and casual—you know why? I said, no, I don't. I've wondered
what in the world's wrong with you.
He said, I'll tell you why. He says, I've got homosexual tendencies, and I've never
shared this with anyone. I've never been a practicing homosexual, but he said, I really
wonder if I could consummate a marriage, and therefore I haven't wanted to hurt a Christian
girl by getting serious. And then I guess he thought that I was going to condemn him
to hell or something. I said, well, what else? He said, that's it. I said, all right, let's
go to work on that. So we began to go to work on it, and we began to go into the Scriptures.
We began to give him good Christian literature that would flush out some of the wrong stimuli,
some of the wrong channels of thought and perspective until God in his mercy wonderfully
delivered him from those things and has led him into a path of marriage.
Now your problem may be something deeper than that, something you say, I just couldn't
share with a soul. Another incidence I think of were someone years before when he was a
little boy, some indiscreet parents left a bedroom door open, and he saw things that
scarred his young heart. This is why he avoided marriage, because he said, that's what marriage
means, I can't. And it's been his fear rooted in something that maybe you, maybe that's
you. Well, you need to start facing that thing. You think God wants you to go through life
like that? God's able to heal. There's a healing power in the Gospel. And I thank God that
again, I've seen this with my own eyes in my own domestic sphere. My wife is the product
of a home that broke up two times. She had deep fears about marriage, a deep revulsion
to marriage. Some of her closest friends, it was taught to the town that there was infidelity.
To her, marriage was nothing to be desired. It was something that led to nothing but heartache
and infidelity and cursing and divorce courts and lawsuits and all of the rest. But how
wonderfully God in his therapeutic grace has given a wholesome biblical view of marriage,
and in the process has made me sensitive to how these things can scar people and twist
them and warp them. Until now, after 18 years, he's given us a relationship that I would
covet for any married couple in every dimension—socially, aesthetically, mentally, spiritually, physically—gets
richer with each passing year. And I'm not talking foolishness. I'm dead serious. And
if the next 18 years God gives us are as precious as these, well, I don't know how I could
hold it. But it hasn't come automatically. But as there's been that willingness for total
exposure under the eye of God, it becomes a blessed relationship.
Well, let's commit our thoughts to the Lord and then ask him to guide us as we enter into
a period of discussion, shall we?
Our Father, how grateful we are for the Holy Scriptures. What blind, stumbling fools we'd
be without this blessed lamp and blessed light. Now again we pray that if we've rightly understood
and set forth, your mind is found in Scripture. Bring it home to the inner heart with power.
And whatever's had the mixture of our own thoughts, again we plead, blow upon it and
bring it to naught. Now, Lord, guide us in our discussion period. Such times can be a
curse or a blessing. We ask you to make this time a blessing, all that our thoughts may
cut those channels that are dictated by Holy Scripture. We wait now for your blessing and help.
In Jesus' name, amen.