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Flirting with Self Esteem and Happiness By David Calderwood

Well let me start by telling you a rather sad story, the story of a Christian couple called Sally and Mark. Now I've had to change their names because I think this couple might well be recognizable by quite a few of you here this morning. Sally is engaged to Mark and she delights to tell everyone she's soon to be married and delights to talk about her fiance as you might well expect. She'll talk to her fiance, about her fiance to anyone who will listen. But in spite of her stated love for Mark it's become obvious that things are not what they should be between Sally and Mark. It's come to light that Sally has a thing going with her housemate, a guy called Alistair. Sally and Alistair had been housemates before she got engaged to Mark and the deal was that she would stay in the house until they got married but clearly that relationship has become improper. Clearly they've become involved with each other in a way that's really quite improper. Now understandably Mark's devastated. His beloved Sally who should only have eyes for him is in his eyes chasing something better in the arms of another. And the saddest thing of all for Mark is that Sally doesn't even seem to realize that this other guy doesn't really love her. It's almost
as if he just wants to use her and spoil her relationship with her fiance Mark. Well there
you have it. It's a tragic story is it not? We have to feel for Mark don't we? We have
to wonder what is Sally thinking that would cause her to despise Mark's love and chase
after someone else? But amazing as it is the story will end well. Mark still intends to
proceed with the engagement and the marriage. In fact he's talking tough. He intends he
says to pursue his faithless beloved and turn her around. He's determined to make her
something of beautiful, make her something really beautiful in every way. Mark seems
to be quite a remarkable guy. Friends I said you would recognize this couple and I now
want to say to you we all should if we're Christians. Because the story is about you
and me and about our relationship with Christ. In Ephesians 5 we got that wonderful picture
of Christ's incredible love for his girl called the bride or the church. You and I if we're
truly Christians are the beloved of Christ, his community of saved people. And the clear
message of scripture is that Christ's girl, the Christian church individually and collectively
ought to show a relationship to Jesus through a radical new love, a radical loyalty that
marks us out distinctively from the world around us. It ought to be clear to everybody
that we're his girl, that we're Christ's people, that we're the beloved and he's our
beloved. The scripture is very clear in that message. So here's the problem and by way
of introduction here's what's at the heart of this five week sermon series we're about
to launch on just now. The problem is what is a rather old fashioned word now in terms
of what's used in the church. The problem is worldliness. It's a word that's scarcely
heard in the church these days. But I suggest to you this morning it's by far the greatest
danger to Christians and to the Christian church today. Much more of a danger than doctrinal
heresy. Instead of difference, what we see in the church today and in Christians individually
is sameness with the world. Instead of standing out in loyalty and love of Jesus, the church
has all too easily blended in with those around us. Those who, we have to remember, despise
Jesus and reject everything that he stands for and yet we so easily blend with them.
Instead of radical counterculture, there's accommodation with whatever society pushes
our way. So if society says this is now in vogue, then we see it appearing in the church.
The society says that's in vogue, a few months later we see it in the church. We're getting
our agenda set by society. Jesus prides specifically about this concern when he was getting ready
to leave the earth, go to his death and leave the earth in John chapter 17. If you want
to open your Bibles to that passage, it would be really helpful. I want you to see this
comes from God's Word, not just my imagination. John chapter 17 verses 15 through to 18. Remember
Jesus was praying for his disciples and those who would come after his immediate disciples
and he says this. This is Jesus' concern as he leaves this world. My prayer is not that
you would take them out of the world but that you would protect them from the evil one.
They are not of the world even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth. Your Word
is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I
sanctify myself that they too may be truly sanctified. There it is you see, in the world
but not of it. And Christ's concern is just that, that his disciples having been sent
into the world would be in it but not of it. At 1 John chapter 2, turn to that please
if you would towards the end of the Bible. 1 John chapter 2 again verses 15, 16 and 17.
John writes, do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the
love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world, that is the cravings of sinful
man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does, comes not from the
Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away but the man who does the
will of God lives forever. Language of those verses talk about everything in the world,
the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. Same idea. Worldliness
here is described in terms of lust or cravings or to use a more modern word, desires. That's
at the heart of worldliness, desires. Now surely desires can't be wrong, quite correct.
They aren't wrong. Worldliness comes when right desires that God has put into us are
pursued in a wrong way and expressed in a wrong way. So worldliness is desire which
is wrongly expressed and wrongly pursued in an attempt to find the good life that we all
long for. Worldliness, to use the title of the sermon series, is flirting with the world.
Now, I think we probably all know what flirting is in the context of ordinary society, often
used, primarily used, I suppose in the case of sort of quasi-sexual context. So flirting
is very much self-interested, isn't it? So it's all about playing with desire, wanting
to have what the world offers without openly being committed to it. So if a girl's flirting
then she's sort of wanting to get what sort of goes along with a relationship, sexuality
and stuff like that, but not openly being committed to that relationship. Well that's
what flirting is, isn't it? As Christians we flirt with the world. We want to claim
loyalty to Jesus but we also want the excitement of it where, or the experience of trying to
get involved with somebody else, what we call the world, what the Bible calls the world.
Flirting's enjoying that contact while still professing to be besotted with Christ. And
so therefore flirting is really dangerous because it's driven by very clear thinking
and it's the thinking of how much can I embrace of all the things the world offers me while
still claiming to be devoted to Jesus. There's the danger of it. You're pushing the lines
all the time. And therefore, friends, flirting is addictive because the short-term pleasure
it gives, and it does give short-term pleasure, it makes you feel good about yourself. It
makes you feel desired. It makes you feel wanted. It makes you feel important. It puts
you in the centre of that particular world, albeit a small world. But you see that becomes
a drug because you want more of it. Only the next time you need to go a bit further to
get the same thing. And flirting ends up in just all-out adultery. Might take a few months.
Might take two days. But that's where you'll end up because that's the nature of flirting.
It's addictive.
So friends, as we raise this question of worldliness, I need to say to you, and you need to hear
me say it, that it's a really tough question. It's not easy to answer. It's not even easy
to analyse. It requires a lot of really careful thought. And all I can hope to do is stimulate
that thought. I don't for a moment think I'm going to answer all the questions that will
be raised in your mind. Probably there'll be more questions raised than answers given.
But at least we've got to be trying to think about it as Christians.
And here's the difficulty. What does it actually mean to be in the world but not of it? It's
all right to say that. The scripture says it very clearly. But what does that actually
mean? In what ways do we sell out and compromise with the world? In what ways have we compromised
our loyalty to Jesus? Are we aware of those things? In what way are we in danger of letting
the world into the church or actually bringing the world into the church? I think sometimes
we've quite consciously brought the world into the church and not even realised it.
Other times we've inadvertently let the world into church. It's not easy to sort out. It's
not an easy problem to solve. It's not an ABC type answer. But it is an ABC type problem.
And we've got to at least start there by recognising the problem. Friends, over the
next five weeks I want to explore different ways, five different ways Christians and the
church today I believe are flirting with the world. And this morning I begin with the notion
of flirting with happiness and self-esteem. I realise that just introducing those two
words puts me in a situation of danger. Because even those two words aren't easily defined.
If I ask each of you, are you happy? Well then I suspect that each of you would respond
initially by saying, well it all depends on what you mean by happy. And there's the problem.
It's actually hard to nail down what happiness is. So at risk of being simplistic and if
you were in early this morning I had a PowerPoint looping this morning with about 20 different
ideas of what happiness is. And I have to say that I'm going to deny all knowledge because
one of them was happiness is, a man doesn't know what true happiness is until he's married
and then it's too late. But I'd wanted to disclaim, Alison assembled it for me. So talk
to her. I don't want any comments about the, that's my loyalty to Alison. I've just dubbed
her in so you can sort it out with her. At the risk of being simplistic, I just wanted
to define happiness in a fairly basic way and that is as a sense of personal wellbeing.
A sense that life as a whole is good, fulfilling and satisfying. Likewise with the question,
do you have good self-esteem? Again, you would respond to me I think by saying, well it all
depends what you mean by self-esteem. And again at risk of being simplistic, I just
wanted to define self-esteem at this point as a sense of personal worth. And it's a right
and proper thing for us to feel as part of what it is to be made in God's image. So self-esteem
I can define at this level is a sense of personal worth, a feeling of respect and confidence
in self. And so obviously the two are very closely connected, self-worth and happiness.
But regardless how detailed we make the definition of happiness and self-esteem, one thing is
clear and that is the desire or longing for happiness is basic to being a person. And
I should have said if you're a visitor, there's an outline on the back of that bulletin thing
you got handed this morning if you want to follow where I'm up to. The desire or longing
for happiness is basic to being a person. Every person craves happiness. Every person
craves pleasure in their existence. In fact, it's not too much to say that it's the desire
for happiness that drives you and me to get out of bed each morning. It's the belief that
happiness is achievable that powers you through your day and powers me through my day. Now
we might not always be immediately aware of what's underlying our actions that gets us
out of bed, but I suggest to you this morning that something like that will be behind all
your actions. You may not even feel comfortable admitting it. Christians often don't feel
comfortable admitting that I really want to be happy. And in fact, historically there's
been a whole group of Christians that have said to say something like that is really
quite unbiblical. But you only need to read the scripture to see that the desire for happiness
is like gravity is to nature. It's a basic human condition. Underneath all the layers
of motivation is the deep belonging to be happy, which involves feelings of self-worth.
And as I said, that ought not surprise us because after all the Bible says we're made
in God's image. And given what we know of God, that he is eternally happy and that he
has an eternally great comfort and ease with his own self-worth, his own value. That's
what defines his character. Therefore it's not surprising that if we're made in the image
of God, then that we should also have those same desires. John Piper in his book, Desiring
God, and if you don't buy any other book this year, buy Desiring God and read it. It's brilliant
stuff. So I've just pinched a lot of his ideas and make no bonds about it. All right. In
fact, all his ideas make no bonds about it. I just thought I'd better correct that for
honesty's sake. There isn't any of my ideas in this sermon. It's all John Piper. You could
have read the book and not come this morning, but that wouldn't be nearly as exciting I
know. But anyway, yeah. John Piper in his book, Desiring God, shows that whole thing
really clearly from scripture and he argues it like this. He says, God is totally sovereign.
By that it means totally powerful. God does whatever he pleases and whatever he does he
achieves. Therefore God's never frustrated and therefore God is deeply happy. Knowing
that every single action in his world will contribute to God's overall purpose exactly
as God wants it to contribute to his overall purpose. And God in the scripture tells us
he delights in his own glory, in his own worth, in his own honour. God takes himself seriously.
God is at ease with himself knowing that he is consistent with his character. God has
the ultimate self-worth. God delights in his world. God delights in his son Jesus and in
his work of redemption. God looks at all those things and says, yep, that's exactly what
I intended to do, I intended to achieve. So God's, as it were, self-worth and happiness
dovetail easily together. So friends, the problem flirting with the world is not that
we desire to be happy, that we long to have strong feelings of self-worth. That's not
the problem. The problem is that we look to see those desires satisfied in the wrong
places. The prophets talked about drinking, looking for water in empty cisterns. The problem
is not that we long for or pursue or look for happiness and worth our value as people,
but that we're tempted to look for it in the wrong place. We're tempted to look for
it in where the world says it is to be found rather than where God says it's to be found.
That explains the I culture, the me culture we live in. In the me culture, the I culture
seeks happiness in self and in the religion of self-worship. It always amuses me when
people on the news talk about Australia being a secular society. That's rubbish. They're
not a secular society. We're just as religious as we ever have been. It's just that we've
dropped God out of the picture and now worship ourselves. It's still a religion, self-religion.
It's a cliché, but a true cliché, that we live in an age dominated by self, my freedom,
my rights, my fulfilment, my security, my comfort, my toys. I'll show my technological
nerdy. iPads, iPhones, iPods. I'm sure there's more, but I can think of them. That's my attempt
to be modern. The whole idea is that the personal pronoun, I, has become probably the best marketing
tool in all of history. It's quite incredible. I'm worth it. I'm the most important person
in the world, and so on and so forth. That Hollywood view of happiness drives our society.
It's expressed in hugely egocentric people defining their happiness through exotic and
exaggerated sort of episodes of romantic love that we all love. Well, at least a lot of
people love it. The trappings of wealth, celebrity status, of beauty and youthfulness
and power. That's all part of this me. If I can have that, I'll be happy, and I must
have that to be happy. But that irony of it, nobody seems to be able to point this out,
and again, because it would be contravening what this issue of happiness is, because happiness
doesn't want to be tested against the touchstone of truth and reality. The irony is that we
see Hollywood is full of people who have all these things and are desperately unhappy.
They've got desperately low concept of self-worth, hence all the substance abuse and the swapping
beds and the, dare I say it, even the fetish now for adopting children. That's given
further expression in the concept of self-worth, which is now called self-esteem. And I want
you to notice I've moved a little bit here. And this self-esteem is actually a very egocentric
feel-good notion. And it comes that each of us is responsible for our own happiness, and
only those who feel good about themselves will do well and be happy. And so this egocentric
feel-good self-esteem dominates Australian homes. It's the snowflake syndrome. Oh, you're
so special. You're so unique, my little one. Among seven billion. Or it's the princess
thing that's sweeping through you. Go down to Coorong and you'll see it. The princess
theme. You know, these cute little girls are princesses. Well, only until you live
with them. And I'm not talking about my cute little girl there. I'm talking about the little
cute little girls. And you see, that self-esteem demands constant feeding. And it's fed from
two sources. It's fed, we're told, from the internal source of admiring the person's own
accomplishments. So children in the home get a reward simply for being at the meal table.
They get a smiley face at school simply for handing in their homework. And then there's
the external source of direct affirmation of others. You must always be saying positive
things. Parents, you must always be praising your children. Teachers, you must always be
praising your children. Even if their work's crap, find something nice to say about it.
Don't for goodness sake make them face reality and say, that's very ordinary. You should
consider being a mathematician, not an artist. Just don't do it. Because it'll crush their
self-esteem. The poor little snowflakes will melt. Now obviously I'm exaggerating to make
a point. But in a sense I'm not exaggerating because I get really cheesed when I hear this
all around. This constant feeding of this egocentric self-esteem. Now the aim of all
that is that the person, the fulfilment of the person's potential. So we say, well, be
everything you can by living confident in your own achievements and by believing that
you can achieve whatever you want to achieve. By constant positive affirmation by teachers
and parents and others around them. And it becomes even more egocentric because it actually
says things and assumes things like, and we hear all these on the TV now and in television
shows. Well, you can't love others until you learn to love yourself. That's utter rubbish.
You can't forgive others until you learn to forgive yourself. So when you've done something
wrong the main focus is on learning to forgive yourself rather than fixing it with the person
you've hurt. You can't help others until you learn to build yourself up. I actually know
a pastor who said that the Lord wanted his congregation to be rich. But the Lord had
told him he couldn't trust him as a pastor until he himself had proved he could handle
himself. And so it was his goal to be a millionaire and he's now achieved it. It's not the Bible
I read. You see, that happiness pursued through that sort of self-esteem is simply building
self relative to others. And the failure of that, if you want proof that it fails, and
the irony of it is that this generation, our generation in the last 20 or 30 years has
had more self-esteem teaching than any other previous generation. And what do we observe?
People are more rude than ever before. Because all they can think about is me. They are less
restrained than ever before. And so we see it night after night. Drunken yabbos down
the street beating the tripe out of our police officers. No respect, no authority. The me
generation. The self-esteem generation. And the lack of ability to deal with reality.
Children really are snowflakes. They do collapse in the harsh reality that this life doesn't
owe them any favors. And that one day somebody will actually look in the eye and say something
really nasty, something that may not be true. But oh no, we can't have that. We must not
have any bullying of any sort because it will really hurt our children. And that's why
we must not have any bullying of any sort because it will ruin self-esteem. Of course
pendulum swings in society. And in the past children were exposed to things they should
never have been exposed to. And terrible abuse and all sorts of terrible initiation ceremonies
and stuff like that. Well, of course that was right to correct that. But we've gone
to the other extreme.
And in fact this self-esteem has simply repackaged pride and arrogance and made it okay for Christians
because it's all come into the church. It's all been brought into the church by Christians
who've mistakenly thought that this egocentric notion of self-esteem actually reflected Christian
principles. And all it's done is, I think, in the church produce a generation now of
individualistic Christians who are in church for me as an individual. They're there for
themselves. And everything's evaluated in terms of what they want, how it makes them
feel. And it's unleashed Christians to be self-consumed and to give them the authority
as it were in the search of their own happiness, their own self-worth to pursue money and power
and prestige and status just like the world does. And so we see those very same characteristics
dominating and dividing churches.
Now, friends, hopefully I've established my point of worldliness. Paul in Ephesians
chapter 4 verse 1 says this, live a life worthy of the calling you have received. I think
the result of Christians flirting with society's view of happiness and self-esteem has rewritten
that so that we now read it in a grossly distorted way, reading God's command to mean
live a life of success, prosperity, achievement and God will be placed.
Same text, same Bible, entirely different outlook, entirely different outcome. And the
evidence in that is that so many Christians only tune into God's Word in as much as
it fits with their agenda. In a recent edition of Matthias Media, the briefing magazine,
there's a big banner that says God doesn't want to be number one on your agenda. And
when I first looked at that I thought, hang on a sec, that's not right. And then underneath
it said God wants to set you a whole new agenda. And I thought, yeah, that's right.
So many Christians are tuning into God on the basis that He fits their agenda. Now some
might actually put Him number one but He's still on their agenda.
And most out of all I think is that so many preachers have now given in, given into pressure
and now preach the scriptures as a series of self-help affirmations to people, things
that will build self-esteem, make people feel better about themselves rather than call people
to account before a holy God and challenge them with a command, be holy because I am
holy, says the Lord.
Well, what's the solution? Christ-centered counterculture which seeks happiness in God
and the reality of salvation, that's the solution.
Turn with me now to 1 Peter. Finally you're wondering when we're ever going to get to
1 Peter. And I was kidding about afternoon tea. We won't be here for afternoon tea hopefully.
We'll just be home before afternoon tea time.
1 Peter chapter 1 verse 8. I'll put the context around this. I just want to read this verse
to touch this down on 1 Peter. I haven't time to explain the whole passage obviously, the
whole chapter obviously but I just want to pick out one or two main points. It says in
verse 8, though you have not seen him, you love him and even though you do not see him
now, you believe in him and are filled, listen to this, with an inexpressible and glorious
joy for your receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Friends, I just
want to say this, that where we see the foundation of true joy in this verse here, it's in the
context of a deep and settled happiness. That's what the word joy means, cara. And the other
word is macarius which isn't used in this verse but it's used, both of them are used
about 60 times across the Bible. This is deeply settled happiness, a gladness. And the context
here is that it's a result of understanding and experiencing the reality of salvation.
So the context here is remember that Peter's writing to Christians scattered all over the
world at that time, the Roman Empire at that time and they were experiencing really vicious
persecution from the Roman Empire. People were being dragged out and beaten to a pulp,
people were being dragged out and killed. It was a tough time and yet in the midst of
that, there's this inexpressible joy that the Christians are living by. Special kind
of happiness that sustained them through the awful events. And I want you to notice the
source of that special happiness is not in themselves in any shape or form but outward
looking to the reality of God's absolute love for them as spoken of in verses 3, 4
and 5. Their joy is a direct result of what God has done for them in Christ. If you look
at verses 3, 4 and 5, God loved them in his mercy. That's what it says. So the first
point of their joy is just in responding to God as a person. God loved us. God in his
mercy has loved me. There's a delight in the person of God himself, quite apart from
anything that God has done. Then God has done something for them. He's given them a new
birth and a new inheritance. And then God is keeping that inheritance safe for them
in the future and keeping them safe for their inheritance in the future. So God has loved
them in the past. God has given them an inheritance in the past and their future is secure as
well because God is keeping them for that inheritance and keeping the inheritance for
them. That is the source of their inexpressible joy, their deep-seated gladness and happiness.
That's what enables them to get out of bed with the possibility that today will be their
last day on this earth. In verse 6 it says, In this you greatly rejoice, even though now
you might have to face tough times. This is their happiness and security for the future.
This is the guarantee of their well-being in the present and the future. And verse 13
onwards, this is the great motivation again to get out of bed and get through each day,
not just surviving but joyfully serving the Lord and being what he wants them to be and
which brings honour to God and which obeys God. In this context of persecution is their
deep-seated joy that allows them to do that. Friends, that's Christian counterculture.
Deep happiness, a deep sense of worth or value, not as a result of my own accomplishments,
not as the result of personal affirmation of others, but as the result of a genuine
appreciation of who God is and that he has loved me in his mercy and that he has saved
me and that my future is secure because of what he has done for me in the past in Christ.
That is Christian counterculture. That is Christian joy and happiness and self-worth.
So, friends, the real problem again is not that we seek happiness or pleasure to get
us through any and every situation of life, but to use the words of John Piper, the problem
is not that, but the problem is that we're too easily satisfied. The problem is that
we fool around with drink and sex and ambition and the approval of others and relationships
around us. We fool around with those sort of things as if they'll give us deep-settled
happiness when infinite joy is offered to us in God's own person, in God's salvation
in Christ. You see, that's the problem for us, that we settle for far too little when
there's this beautiful feast, as Piper calls it, on the table for us. There's our problem,
the problem of worldliness. Friends, we must stop flirting with the world, flirting with
what the world offers us in terms of happiness. We must see it for the pathetic and short-term
substitute it really is. Now, I've got to say with you that it's really appealing in
the short-term, but we've got to get ourselves to see that it only is short-term and we've
got to come back to God's Word for our real joy and happiness. We must, friends, recommit
to being a community of God's saved people, prepared to stand up and say and be different
and say with a psalmist in Psalm 73 verse 25, a favourite of mine, whom have I in heaven
but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you. Regally His Word, God is enough.
We've got to come back to that as a community because only that will allow us as a community
to stand together and be different and say thank you very much to the world but no thank
you because we've got something much more substantial. And this alone, I think, is the
key to being a happy and authentic worshipper of the Lord and a radical counterculture which
can offer our world something infinitely more valuable and satisfying than happiness built
on my efforts and my own sense of value and fulfilment. The equation is quite simple and
again it's Piper's idea. God is not worshipped where He is not treasured or valued. God is
not worshipped where He is not treasured or valued. It's plain as the nose on our faces,
isn't it, that we adore our wives because we value them. We adore our children because
we value them. We adore our sports team because we value it. Well how much more should our
worship and response to the Lord be driven by value? Praise and whole of life service,
which is what worship is, whole of life service of God is the inevitable expression of a deep
happiness or joy that flows from understanding and delighting in God and in His love and
salvation. We worship that which we value. To finish with the words I started, why flirt
with the world? Why play around with a cheap laugh when the Lord Himself should be our
delight and when His love is so strong and so real and so secure and the source of such
inevitable joy. Let's pray. Lord help us to hear your words. They slice us up pretty
badly because we all have to admit Lord deep down that we have been fooled by what the
world serves us up when a platter nicely decorated and looks so appealing and we've been seduced
by it Lord and we've turned our back on that ultimate eternal joy that is ours in the Lord
Jesus Christ. Forgive us Lord and help us to see the wrongness of our ways. Help us
to once again stand up and be besotted with you our lover and our Lord and stand differently
to those around us. I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.