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Flirting with the Sexual Revolution By David Calderwood

My opening word to you this morning is that sex is God's idea. God invented it.
Even better, God approves of sex as an incredibly pleasurable expression of
deep relationship between a man and a woman. Every aspect of your sexuality,
emotional, physical and spiritual, everything that prompts those deep sexual
urges, everything that gives that incredible pleasure and enjoyment is
God's gift to you. God is intensely interested in what you might call your
love life or your sex life. It may seem strange to say it but
the truth of the matter is that God has a higher view of sex than you or me.
Now, you might be saying to yourself why on earth start a sermon with those sorts of words?
Several reasons. First, I wanted to get your attention and the silence
settled fairly quickly so I think I've done that. Secondly, I wanted to begin
with a really positive statement of God's view of sex given that our world
would suggest that God is anti-sex and against any idea of the pleasure of sex.
That's how twisted our world has become but the other reason why I start there
is because I think the topic needs me to start here. This is the third in the
series of flirting with the world and specifically addresses the idea of
flirting with the idea of sex, sexuality and relationships that the world offers us.
And I suspect that the greatest problem facing us as Christians this
morning is not the inability to recognize wrong expressions of our
sexuality. The biggest problem I suspect is a deep sense of guilt and
shame and pain that result from those wrong expressions and the problem with
that is that guilt can actually trap us and debilitate us and stop us from
recapturing God's view of sexuality. So once again as I've been saying each week
through this series, once again the problem is not that we all crave
passionate love. The problem is not that we all crave intense pleasure and
incredible intimacy. The problem is that we've been fooled into thinking that
sex and sexual relationships as defined by the world will deliver these things.
That's the problem. Next few minutes I want to suggest some key thoughts to
help us successfully launch a counter-revolution to the sexual
revolution sweeping our world that we're caught up in. The first point I want to
make is to urge you not to be satisfied with anything less than real pleasure
and intimacy. To be human, as I've already said, is to be sexual. But it's equally
true that to be human is to have a deep-seated desire to be loved. That is
a deep-seated desire to be accepted and valued and recognized in an emotionally
and spiritually satisfying relationship with another.
That is the way God has made you. The constant message of our world fools into
thinking that this need to be loved and secure is satisfied through what we in
our world call romantic love or Hollywood romance and sex. And in part I
think that's why our society is literally sex saturated with Hollywood
style romance and all that goes with it. See what really matters according to our
society of amenities, what really matters is that you're having sex. That's what
all the advertising says. That's what all the TV programs are saying. It doesn't
really matter with whom and in what context. The important thing is that
you're having sex. So sex has been removed from marriage. It's been removed
from emotional involvement and real commitment. Sure it might be nice to have
these things but the really important thing is that you're being fulfilled as
a person, fulfilled as a person through being hooked up and having sex. And so in
part I think that explains the modern phenomenon of what they call serial
monogamy. It explains the proliferation of dating agencies and the fact that a
majority of couples, statistically a majority of couples will start having
sex after going out only two or three times. And that I believe is as close to
this general average as it is in the church, as it is in the community. We say
God designed us for something different. God designed us to look to Him for
satisfaction of our desire to be loved and valued and secure. Look at verse 2, 1
and 2 of chapter 5 of Ephesians. Be imitators of God therefore as dearly
loved children and live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself
up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. We are to live a life
that reflects the love of Christ for us and in us. It's in the context of His
love that we live and enjoy the good life of love and being loved. That idea
is spelled out in more detail in verses 25, 26 and 27. Now there's lots could be
said about this passage. I'm going to lift out one point this morning.
Verse 25, 26 and 27 makes clear that Christ is the one who genuinely satisfies
our longings to be loved and valued in an emotionally and spiritually intimate
and secure relationship. Initially, the rest Ephesians tells us, because of sin
not only were we unlovely but we were actually unlovable. So scarred are we by
sin but Christ has taken us and Christ has loved us and more than just loved us
He has made us lovable and made us lovely through His sacrificial
commitment to us. There's something even more amazing in this section if you look
at verse 32. Paul says this is a profound mystery. He's made a comparison between
marriage and the love that Christ has for His bride, the church. And then he
says it's a profound mystery. So what's profoundly startling in what Paul has
just said in those verses? At first glance it looks as though Paul uses the
picture of human marriage to describe the relationship between Christ and his
people, the church. But that wouldn't be mysterious. That wouldn't be surprising.
That's the logic there. In fact it's mysterious because the exact opposite is
the case I believe. That is, what we're being told here is that human marriage
reflects the loving intimacy Christ has for His people. So in other words the
eternal love that Christ has shown for His people has been built into our
creation, into our world in a reflection in marriage. Of course our marriages
don't perfectly reflect it because of sin. But nevertheless I believe that to
be the connection here and certainly was the connection in the ideal world of
Genesis chapter 2 before sin entered.
Human marriage reflects the loving intimacy Christ has for His people. Therefore if
we get the right order what we need to say that even the best marriages when
both husband and wife are taking their cue from Christ, as Paul describes here,
even the best marriages are only a reflection of that relationship in which
true satisfaction, true delight, true security, true spiritual satisfaction is
truly found. And therefore that principle can be extended beyond marriage to all
human relationships as an antidote to the message of our sex-worshipping world.
And that immediately lends us to some applications to help us deal with our
world. And I might start with just this one here. Can I encourage you therefore,
Christian husbands and wives, not to overvalue your marriage? Christians for
too long have assumed that marriage is failed because one or other or both of
the spouses undervalue the marriage. And that may be true but oftentimes it's
because they overvalue the marriage. How could that possibly be the case? It's
simply because people expect too much from the marriage and particularly from
their spouse. They demand that their spouse satisfies that deep longing to be
loved, accepted, secure and emotionally and spiritually filled. They demand that
from their spouse rather than from Christ. And no person can sustain that
demand because that is to make you God, to use the words of Tim Keller from his
book, Counterfeit Gods.
And so the result is disillusionment, resentment, anger, pulling apart and
eventually the decision to break one relationship with a view to finding a
new spouse with the hope that that new spouse will deliver what the other one
failed to deliver and so the cycle goes around. It's overvaluing marriage and for
those in a different circumstance don't be fooled into believing that your
identity is defined by human relationships. Scripture tells you
differently and in fact sucking in that view which is what the world tells us
only fosters discontent, deep-seated discontent. So some who are married and I
would venture to suggest that might be some here this morning in this category.
Some who are married who think their sense of identity is tied up in the
relationship of marriage are trying to live as though they're single. Why?
Because the word is I've lost my identity in this marriage. But your
marriage was never meant to give you identity. It's Christ that gives you
identity. Many who are single, flip the coin, are consumed with the desire to be
married believing their identity and value is tied to being in that
relationship. That's what our society tells us at points and sadly it's what
many Christians suggest by suggesting to single people that well marriage is the
be-all and end-all and inferring that somehow or other if you're not married
that you're less than a whole person. You're less than a fulfilled person. It's
a terrible message to convey to people. It's unbiblical not to mention cruel.
Don't be fooled into thinking that if only you could find the boy or girl of your
dreams. Have a fancy wedding that the relationship could or would deliver the
emotional, sexual and spiritual intimacy and security you crave for in your
deepest being because that is only going to ever be satisfied in Christ.
Your identity in Christ and your spiritual state is shown in obedient
service of Christ in whatever circumstance you find yourself. Not in
being in a relationship, marriage or whatever other sort of relationship.
Second point I want to suggest is that I urge you to think about is don't think
you can push the limits and stay safe. Pete read out the cover article from the
bulletin which is a modern-day parable and we see it here in verse 3. God's word
is very clear verse 3. There's not even to be a hint of immorality among God's
people. Now you see we do it rather neatly don't we? Again we set up and the
Christian Church has set up the big-ticket immorality items. Actual
physical immorality of sleeping with somebody else outside of marriage or
pornography or having sex before marriage. We set up set up those big
things and then quietly ignore the rest of the stuff that we dally with and play
with on a daily basis. But we feel okay because we're not actually guilty of
those big-ticket items. Verse 7 says do not be partners with them.
With whom? Well it speaks about people who speak empty words verses 3 to 6. What
are those empty words saying? I take it from the context that there are people
who say that look these things that Paul has listed here that shouldn't be part
and parcel of of a Christian's life well this is not it's not that serious it's
not that straightforward. We have to understand the context in which we live.
Paul said don't partner with people who try and say to you that you can push the
limits. You can get involved to some degree or other with these
sorts of things. God's standard is absolute. His people cannot be known at
the same time for being Kingdom members and also for the sorts of attitudes and
behaviors listed. They're incompatible. One undermines the other. One makes the
other look ridiculous, reduces our Christian testimony simply to empty
words. It's another form of the verse we looked at in the first week of this
series. Be in the world but not of it verses 8 through to 14 talks about that
contrast. We're to live as counterculture a word that I've used each week in this
series. We're to be a counterculture. We're to be like light in darkness and
that's not just a being that's a compelling that's a winsome thing
because in pitch darkness there's nothing so warm and inviting and
compelling and and and winsome as light.
We're to be in the world. We're not to be of it but we're to be in a way that's
compelling as we give people a counter culture as we give people an alternative
to the sleazy sexual ethics of their world. The Christians and the Christian
Church again have not done this very well. Historically a large percentage of
conservative Christendom have simply reacted. That is in past generations sex
has been a taboo subject and so what they've done to deal with this whole
issue is to ban all displays of physical affection and effectively to suggest and
infer that somehow or other sex is dirty or certainly less than desirable and
maybe even some instances to reduce sex simply to a function of
breeding and that certainly drew a very clear line between Christians and the
world but sadly it was not a biblical line that was drawn as inferred and led
many to think of sex and sexual expression as dirty and shameful if not
outright evil. In other words in in reacting they appeared to forget that
sex was God's good idea in the first place and they didn't present a winsome
counterculture of it. They just tried to push it into the background. Oh we're
Christians. We don't do that but we can't in our generation escape from being at
the other end of the spectrum, the other end of the extreme because in our
generation it seems like the way to go now for Christians is to pride
themselves on pushing the limits of involvement in whatever sort of sexual
activity the world offers us. It seems like today Christians are so keen to
engage with the world and to show the world that well after all we are
Christians. We are normal. We're relaxed about sex but they seem to be unaware of
crossing the line into immorality. Equally a problem just happens to be the
other ends of spectrum. So how do we get this right? Well the answer I could sit
down now but I'm not going to so don't get excited. The answer is with great
difficulty. It's hard to get it right. Let me suggest several strategies. First is
to make sure that God's Word and not the modern what I'm calling sex speak
determines your standard of sexual morality and I pinch that word from John
White. I think it was him. I pinched it from somebody anyway. The foundation of
biblical morality is God and therefore proper expression of
sexuality doesn't change from generation to generation because God doesn't change.
But here's what happens. You see as Christians in our generation have lost
confidence in God's Word and we have so we've also moved away from a preparedness
to stand on God's standards and that's allowed morality to become negotiable.
And at the same time we've been desensitized to sexual sin by the
constant barrage of advertising and TV and film and those things alongside the
loss of confidence in God's Word those things have actually redefined the
language of morality and we've not been able to see it or not been willing to
see it and stand against it and therefore they've redefined sin. So as I
said earlier sex is now separated from God's context of a marriage
relationship. Nobody would even argue that nowadays that sex should be
restricted to the marriage relationship. You would get howled down in derision
for saying that publicly because after all you see we're now a bit more
learning. We're now in touch with the fact that well we're really no
different from the other animals and sex is just another appetite or urge the
same as hunger and thirst and the desire for sleep and therefore we ought to
satisfy that urge with whomever whomever hang on a sec with whomever whenever we
want to and so adultery is now reduced to an affair and when you talk about
affairs and see them on TV what's really important about the affair is that you
actually have sex with another person and so again you see sex becomes the
all-important thing and therefore it can be okay because the sex is good therefore
the whole thing must be okay and we've shifted the definition away from
betrayal. Betrayal of a promise. Betrayal of a person. That's what adultery is. It's
not in the end about the sex. That might be terrifically enjoyable with some
other person but the adultery is in the heart and the attitude and betrayal of a
promise and betrayal of the person. We've allowed it to be redefined. Lifelong
monogamy as I said before has now been reduced to serial monogamy. Oh yes we
still agree with the principle that you know there should be an exclusivity in
relationships but you must understand that in in modern day we would never be
expected to stay with one partner for life. Yes we should be faithful to one
partner while with that one partner whether that lasts for a week or a month
or a year or ten years. We've allowed morality to be redefined from God's
standard. Sex before marriage is no longer wrong because God says so. No sex
before marriage is now accepted, encouraged and indeed I'm speaking about
within churches because you see the criteria for evaluating it has now
changed. No longer does God's Word says it's wrong therefore don't do it. It's
now in the theory well they are consenting adults. They're actually very
sincere. They're very committed to each other. Do you see what's
happened? Second remember how sin works and stay away from temptation. James
chapter 1 verse 13 to 15. When tempted no one should say God is
tempting me for God cannot be tempted by evil nor does he tempt anyone but
each one is tempted when by his own evil desire he is dragged away and
enticed. Then after desire has conceived it gives birth to sin and sin when it's
full grown gives birth to death. Sexual sin is like every other sin. A process
that begins instantly enough up here. Perhaps it might be nothing more than a
look but then that desire takes hold that becomes an urge and that urge unless
dealt with eventually will become an action. I don't know anybody that's
committed adultery either physically committed or in their mind so that
includes everybody here including myself. I don't know anybody who's just said I
know I've got up this morning had a shower I'm gonna go out and commit
adultery today. Just doesn't happen like that. It's the product of a process. So
why do we think that we can fill our minds with scenes on TV and movies that
promise happiness and fulfillment through casual sexual encounters and not
be in danger of taking that view into our own relationships of marriage. Why do
we think we can do it? And I include myself and I don't know what the answer
is. Well I sort of do but I don't like the answer. It seems to be among
Christians today a virtue to say I can watch anything on TV and anything on TV
is open to me. We've just gone digital in our house and I've been terribly
disappointed because now we get 19 channels which is 15 more than we had
before and they're all rubbish. I want to go and get my money back I think. It's
rubbish in high definition. Fantastically clear but rubbish is rubbish apart from
documentaries and news. No actually the news I forget news just documentaries and
coast coast yeah. See why do we as Christians think that advertising that
on the one hand will say advertising works as a powerful tool it's got its
magic that it puts its dust on you and it makes you believe what it's saying
and then at the other hand we say oh well it won't work on me. The truth of
the matter is that what we repeatedly feast your eyes on and give ourselves to
will finally capture our minds and hearts and I can say personally that's
that's the case I know that I'm sitting watching a program on the TV and I don't
get be bothered to get out and switch it off because some ridiculous scene has
come on to its sex scene. I know that it plays with my head. I don't like to admit
that certainly not in public it's probably embarrassing to Alison to hear
that but it plays with my head and yet why don't I get up and switch the damn
thing off. Well I said I don't even have to get up all I have to do is flick the
remote. Why did I put myself in that situation where I'm in danger of taking
on board the worldview that says happiness far far greater happiness that
could ever be found in a marriage relationship will be found in a casual
sexual sexual encounter. We need to be like the captain who was just quite
happy to sail through the heads take the vessel out to a safe depth of water set
us bearings and just steam straight for a hour to go. At the end of the day why
do we have to prove that we can get in around all those submerged reefs and
and fly dangerously close to the dangers. Why do we need to do that? Why do we want
to do it? Well the answer is and I said earlier on it's a bit shameful to admit
it but it's because we like to be titillated by the very stuff we're
claiming to avoid. There can be no other answer. There can be no other answer for
myself and I believe it's the same for you. The reason I don't switch the damn
thing off is because it's already got into my head and I'm already gone
somewhere I shouldn't have gone. If you want to argue that point I'll be happy
to argue with afterwards but you'll want to have a good argument. Another change
in direction and this again is something I see in Christian circles
these days that distresses me. Why is it that Christian mums and dads are now
encouraging their children I mean young children to have boyfriends and
girlfriends for a very young age? It now seems to be the accepted norm. It might
seem cute and innocent but have we stopped to think well what does it lead
to for their children? If they're holding hands and doing that stuff at age 10
what on earth will they be doing when they're age 16? What are parents teaching
children? Have you thought that perhaps you're saying to your child well look
yeah you're gonna be considered cool or important or valued by
virtue of having a boyfriend or girlfriend? We wonder then why our
daughters and sons growing up thinking well I've just got to have a boyfriend
or a girlfriend. Maybe we've taught them that. Maybe we've taught them that their
identity and value isn't having an appendage. Well third don't be narrow in
your scope of sin. Verses 3 to 6 lists several sins together which are equally
as bad as sexual immorality and so we need to actually guard against all those
sins. Put it more generally we need to guard against sin in all areas. Now let
me tell you how a notion I have here that of how I think that Christians have
really not helped one another here. Older Christians and I'm specifically speaking
to older Christians now because I think this happens in every generation. Older
Christians have not been helpful to younger Christians in this area by
appearing obsessive and harsh about sexual sin while ignoring greed and
materialism and gossip and lying and dishonesty and pride in their own lives.
And young people just frankly get sick of it as if the only sin in the world
that's of any importance is sexual sin and so young people quite rightly start
to think well hang on a sec now this can't really be about godliness this must just
be about the generation gap and and the older people trying to curtail our fun
and so younger people I think wrongly so but but I've understandably so rebelled
against it. Because it seemed to be protecting a lifestyle or controlling
rather than a genuine across-the-board concern for godliness.
So as I said earlier physical adultery, viewing pornography, having sex before
marriage is loudly and harshly dealt with in church and churches and by older
Christians but then at the same breath we defend our rights to watch TV that
bring all manner of sexual sin to us in just about every program we watch and
we say nothing about that secret world of adultery. In fact we defend it. What a
stupid situation we've got ourselves into. We act as if sexual sin is the
worst of sin in the world when it's a physical act yet are almost totally
desensitized to it when it comes to our private thought world or when in front
of our own TV in our own home. Go figure. We need to be realistic. We need to be
sure that we see this whole area of sexual temptation in the complexity
that it presents itself and challenges us and attracts us. My suspicion is that
probably the vast majority here won't actually get around to committing
physical adultery but to use Jerry Bridges words the vast majority of us
will be at the same time guilty of vicarious adultery through the choice of
books we read or the DVDs we watch or the TV programs. How does God view it?
Adultery is adultery. Now of course you can argue well they're not the same and
I agree they're not the same in terms of consequences in relationships in the
short term but I think they can be the same in the long term. Vicarious adultery
will have as much impact on a marriage relationship in the long
term as actually just going out and doing the deed.
Changing direction again. I think many husbands and wives think that if they do
not actually commit adultery then they're not guilty of an immorality in
their marriage. Hebrews 13.4 talks about don't defile the marriage bed and we've
again reduced that down to say well okay as long as I don't strive I'm right but
I don't think that's what they import that versus at all. We see that worldly
thinking and action intruding into our marriage at that point. See the world has
managed to make sex into a commodity. Sex as a commodity be used for gain. Well
Christian wives listen very carefully. You need to beware of doing the exact
same thing in your marriage. You need to beware of using sex as a commodity be
withheld to punish your husband if he's not doing what pleases you or indeed to
reward him if he does do what pleases you. It's very common. Not only is
unbiblical because your sexuality is not just for you in your marriage but it may
actually be a not a an excusable thing but an understandable thing that pushes
your husband into the arms of another woman. Christian husbands. You need to
understand that sex is not simply about you getting relief. I would vent you to
say that's immorality given that it's outside God's description and purpose
for sex. You need to understand Christian husbands that emotional engagement is
not a commodity to be withheld as a means of punishment or given out as a
reward.
So there's lots of things to challenges there. We need to make sure that we
define the limits, define what God's Word says and stick with God's standards and
be happy to be safe. Yes the world might say we're dull and boring and I hear on
the TV almost every day in TV programs you know long-term marriage. Don was just
telling me about a book here mentioned on TV the other day 50 shades of grey or
something like that you were one out you told me 49 shades of grey so it's 50
shades of grey and Alison looked it up in the net for me I think it said
something like it will be a good help to those in long-term relationships
marriages. In other words this mummy porn as it's called will re-energize your
relationship and it's gone viral as if somehow that will actually improve
marriage relationships. My final point very brief point is don't forget to
preach the gospel to yourselves. Friends I conclude where I started with a
suggestion that many of you will be suffering guilt, shame and pain because
of the reality of sexual sin at some level in your life and so I include
myself in this.
What do we do to make sure we're not debilitated? Well we must always address
our sin in the context of the gospel. The gospel is only for sinners. Christ came
into the world to save sinners and each day we need to come before Jesus
recognizing that we constantly and even at times willfully sin in this whole
area of sexuality. Secondly we need to remember the gospel frees us to honestly
confront our sin. We feel guilty. Why do we feel guilty? Because we are guilty. Our
society is obsessed with trying to make people stop feeling guilty which is
ridiculous because they are guilty in terms of how God is hard-wired as we're
guilty. In terms of God's Word we're even more guilty but you see the gospel
promises full and complete forgiveness for sin when there's a genuine ownership
of that sin and genuine repentance. So the very nature of the gospel frees us
to be honest about our sin before the Lord in a way that society will never do
because it wants us to deal with guilt without admitting guilt. Thirdly the
gospel motivates you to deal with your sin seriously. See a sense of
forgiveness, a sense of gratitude for God's grace new every day frees us from
being debilitated by guilt and fear to actually take positive action so that in
the future we might be more pleasing to the Lord in this area of sexual sin. Not
perfect I said but more pleasing. In other words it frees us to get back into the
struggle of purity. Verses 15 through 20 I think could be used for some practical
ways ahead verse 15 to 16. Use your time wisely and ask yourself well what does
that mean for the hours and I sit in front of a DVD player or TV or reading
some crappy romance novel or men's own adventure to be balanced. Verse 17 don't
think your situation will ever improve without studying God's Word and
grasping again God's standard for you in this area. Fill your senses with Him. The
Psalms are full of very sensual statements that can be applied here in
this whole area of sexual pleasure. When driven to find and seek pleasure the
psalmist says I delight in the Lord. He gives me pleasure. It's very sensual. When
you're looking for comfort throw yourself into His arms. He's the God of
all comfort. Verse 18 stay clear of situations that might lead to immorality
and instead put yourself in the place where you'll be filled with the Spirit.
Again in God's Word. Verse 19 and 20 in appreciating and being around
God's people and seeing the value of singing and doing those things that
remind you of the truth of God's Word.
Friends in the face of the constant pressure to sexual compromise in our
sex saturated world I want you to go away with two things. I want you to go
away with a new resolve to explore your guilt in this area. Anything less and I
will not have pushed you to God's Word but I recognize my hesitation to do
that because in a much more real and raw way I stand guilty before you myself in
a way that I don't think I'm caught up with consumerism but this one does get
me. So there's that element as I stand before you today as your pastor but
God's Word urges us, demands that we explore His Word and compare ourselves with His
standard and face our guilt honestly but then to move to the gospel and
remember that forgiveness and hope in Christ is very real and remember that
ultimately that true pleasure, that real intimacy is there for us. Christ delights
for us to have it, wants us to have it, calls us to enter into that deepest of
deep intimate relationships with Him. If only, says Christ, you would be done with
the cheap substitutes and come to me for that which is really satisfying. Let's
pray.
Lord help us to have a right sense of guilt before you this morning. It's easy
Lord to pick the scab of a sore and make people feel guilty you know the wrong
ways. Lord make it a guilt that as Paul says in Corinthians turns to a godly
sorrow and repentance. Lord don't allow us to have a guilt that makes us wallow
in our in self-pity and be inactive in addressing the situation. Fill our minds
Lord with the fact that though we are great sinners as John Newton said we are
great sinners but you are a great Savior. Help us to give up the cheap substitutes
and to find our true satisfaction, our true pleasure, our true intimacy that we
crave so much in relationship with you. Amen.