Flirting with the sexual revolution
Ephesians 5:1-20
David Calderwood
My opening word to you this morning is:- Sex is God’s idea. He invented it. Even better, God approves of sex as an incredibly pleasurable expression of deep relationship between a man and woman.
Every aspect of your sexuality: every physical, emotional and spiritual part of your body that prompts sexual urges; that gives incredible pleasure and enjoyment is God’s gift to you.
God is intensely interested in what is called your love life and sex life. It seems strange to say it, but the truth of the matter is that God has a far higher view of sex than you or me.
Why start here? Because I wanted to get your attention and shock you with a really positive statement about God’s view of sex and sexuality, given that our world would suggest that God is anti-sex and anti any idea of the pleasure of sex.
But also because the topic this morning needs me to start here. This is the third in the series of ‘Flirting with the world’ and specifically addresses the issue of flirting with the idea of sex, sexuality and relationships that the world offers us.
I suspect the greatest problem facing us as Christians this morning is not inability to recognise wrong expressions of our sexuality, but the deep sense of guilt, shame and pain that result. And this can trap us and stop us from re-capturing God’s view of sexuality.
Once again the problem is not that we all crave passionate love, or intense pleasure, and incredible intimacy, but that we have been fooled into thinking that sex and sexual relationships, as defined by the world, will deliver all this.
In the next few minutes I want to suggest to you key thoughts to help us successfully launch a counter-revolution to the sexual revolution sweeping our world.
1. Don’t be satisfied with anything less than real pleasure & intimacy (1-2, 22-33).
To be human is to be sexual. It is equally true that to be human is to have a deep seated desire to be loved: that is to be accepted, valued, and recognised in an emotionally and spiritually satisfying relationship with another. That also is the way God has made us.
The constant message of our world fools us into thinking that this need to be loved and secure is satisfied through romantic love and sex. In large part this is why our society is saturated with Hollywood style romance and sex.
What really matters is that you are having sex. So sex is removed from marriage, emotional involvement and real commitment. It might be nice to have these things, but the really important thing is to be fulfilled as a person through being hooked up and having sex.
In part this explains serial monogamy, the proliferation of dating agencies, and the fact that a majority of couples will start having sex after going out only two or three times.
But God designed us to look to him for satisfaction of our desire to be loved and valued and secure. Look at verse 2. We are to live a life that reflects the love of Christ for us. It is in the context of his love that we live and enjoy the good life of love and being loved.
That idea is spelled out in v25-27. Christ is the one who genuinely satisfies our longing to be loved and valued in an emotionally and spiritually intimate and secure relationship.
Initially, because of sin, we were unlovely and un-loveable, but Christ has loved us and made us lovely through his sacrificial commitment to us.
But there is something even more amazing in this section. Look at v32. What is this mystery, this profoundly surprising thing Paul speaks of?
It looks as though Paul uses the picture of human marriage to describe the relationship between Christ and his people, the church. But in fact it is the exact opposite. Human marriage reflects the loving intimacy Christ has for his people.
Therefore even the best marriages, when both husband and wife are taking their cue from Christ, are only a reflection of that relationship in which true satisfaction, delight, security and spiritual satisfaction is truly found.
And this principle should be extended to all human relationships as an anti-dote to the message of our sex-worshipping world.
So, don’t over-value marriage. So many marriages fail, not because people devalue them, but because people expect too much from them, demanding their spouse satisfies that deep longing to be loved, accepted, secure and emotionally and spiritually filled rather than empty.
But no person can do that consistently because it is asking them to be God. The result is disillusionment, resentment and eventually the decision to break one relationship with a view to finding a new spouse who will deliver.
Don’t be fooled into believing that your identity is defined by human relationships. This only fosters discontent.
Some who are married try to live as though are single, claiming they have lost their identity in marriage. But your identity was never meant to be found in your marriage.
Many who are single are consumed with the desire to be married, believing their identity and value is tied to being in a relationship. That is what our society sells us, and sadly it is what many Christians suggest by making marriage the be-all and end-all for Christian singles.
Don’t be fooled into thinking that if you could only find the boy or girl of your dreams, have a fancy wedding, that the relationship could or would deliver the emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy and security you crave.
Your identity is in Christ and your spiritual state is shown in obedient service of Christ in whatever circumstance you find yourself, not in being in a relationship or married.
Another form of this is the gender war. Many would have us believe that you are defined by gender equality – women’s rights. A new war is being waged whereby it is gender neutrality that defines a person – the political correctness that removes all notion of maleness and femaleness. Everyone is the same and you are defined by what you do.
We see this in our churches in the competitive and dismissive approach to roles and ministry. Men’s and women’s ministry have been disconnected and competitive rather than seeing the wonderful complementarity built into passages such as Genesis 2 and Ephesians 5.
2. Don’t think you can push the limits and stay safe. God’s word is very clear, verse 3, not even a hint of immorality. And verse 7, we are not to partner in any way with those who speak empty words – referring to verses 3-6 and those who would say that you can push the limits in these areas and not be worried about it as Christians.
God’s standard is absolute. His people cannot be known at the same time for being kingdom members and for the sort of attitudes and behaviours listed.
This is another form of ‘be in the world but not of it’. Verses 8-14. We are to live as counter-culture to darkness, demonstrating the alternative to the values and thinking of the world.
But Christians and the Christian church have not done this very well. Historically some have reacted: making sex a taboo subject; banning all displays of physical affection, and reducing sex to a breeding function only.
They certainly drew a clear line between Christians and the world, but sadly it was not a biblical line as it inferred and led many to think of sex and sexual expression as dirty and shameful if not outright evil. They appeared to forget that sex was God’s idea.
But in our generation many Christians seem to pride themselves on pushing the limits of involvement in whatever sexual activity the world offers, keen to demonstrate that Christians are relaxed about sex and normal. But they seem unaware of crossing the line into immorality.
So, how do we get this right? Several strategies might help.
First, make sure God’s word and not modern ‘sex-speak’ determines your standard of sexual morality.
The foundation of biblical morality is God. Therefore proper expression of sexuality does not change because God does not change. But as Christians have lost confidence in God’s word, so we have moved away from God’s standards.
At the same time we have been de-sensitised to sexual sin by the constant barrage of advertising and TV and film, and have allowed society to change our language and thereby redefine sin.
Sex is now separated from God’s context of a marriage relationship to be a normal urge or appetite to be satisfied at will like hunger, thirst or the need for sleep.
Adultery is reduced to an affair where sex is the focus rather than the betrayal of a promise and betrayal of the person.
Life-long monogamy has now been reduced to serial monogamy.
Sex before marriage is no longer wrong because God says so. Rather it is accepted on the criteria that people are sincere and consenting and ‘in love’.
Second, remember how sin works and stay away from temptation. Listen to James 1:13-15 Sexual sin is like every other sin, a process that begins innocently enough – perhaps with a look and then becomes a desire in your head, which eventually leads to actions.
So why do we think we can watch scenes on TV and movies that promise happiness and fulfilment through casual sexual encounters and not be in danger of taking that view on board? Why do we think advertising which uses sex to sell everything, would not work its magic on you and me as well as everyone else?
The truth of the matter is that what we repeatedly feast our eyes on and give ourselves to will finally capture our minds and hearts. We need to be like the captain who steers out of danger. He might look boring and dull, but he will be safe.
So why do Christian mums and dads encourage their children to have boyfriends and girlfriends from a very young age. It might seem cute and innocent, but what might it lead to for the children involved? What are the parents teaching their children – that they are cool or important or valued by virtue of having a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Third, don’t be narrow in your scope of sin. Verses 3-6 list several sins together which are equally as bad as sexual immorality. We must guard against sin in all these areas.
Older Christians have not been helpful to younger Christians by appearing obsessive and harsh about sexual sin while ignoring greed, materialism, gossip, lying, dishonesty, and pride in their own lives. This has given the younger generation an excuse to say that all the talk about the way they dress and act is more about spoiling their fun that genuine concern for godliness at every level.
Jerry Bridges even goes so far as to suggest that Christians and churches have managed to make sexual sin into something of a respectable sin because we have narrowly defined it.
So physical adultery or viewing pornography or having sex before marriage is loudly and harshly dealt with, but we defend our right to watch TV that brings all manner of sexual sin to us in just about every programme we watch, saying nothing about the secret adultery of the thought world it leads us into.
What a stupid situation we have got ourselves into – we act as if sexual sin is the worst sin in the world when it is a physical act, yet are almost totally desensitised to it when it comes to our private thought world or when in front of our own TV in our own home.
We must be realistic and make sure we see this whole area of sexual temptation as the complexity it is. So many of us don’t get around to physically committing adultery, but to use Bridges word we are often guilty of vicarious adultery through our choice of books, or Dvd’s or TV programmes.
Likewise I think many husbands and wives think that if they do not actually commit adultery, that they are not guilty of immorality in their marriage.
But again we see worldly thinking and actions intruding into marriages. The world has managed to make sex into a commodity that is used for gain. Christian wives need to beware of doing the same. Sex is not a commodity to be withheld as a means of controlling your husband when he fails or of rewarding him for bringing you flowers.
Christian husbands need to understand that sex is not about them getting relief. They need to understand that emotional engagement is not a commodity to be withheld as a means of punishment or given out as a reward.
My final main point is don’t forget to preach the gospel to yourself. Friends I conclude where I started with the suggestion that many of you will be suffering guilt, shame and pain because of the reality of sexual sin at some level in your life.
But we must always address our sin in the context of the gospel.
First, the gospel is only for sinners. Christ came into the world to save sinners, and each day we need to come before Jesus recognising that we constantly sin in this whole area.
Second, remember the gospel frees you to honestly confront your sin. We feel guilty in this area of sexual sin because we are guilty. But the gospel promises full and complete forgiveness for sin when there is a genuine ownership of that sin and repentance.
God promises that he will not hold the sin of his people against them because he has already loaded it onto Jesus. You are a great sinner, but Jesus is a great saviour.
Third, the gospel motivates you to deal with your sin seriously. A sense of forgiveness and gratitude for grace, frees us from being debilitated by guilt and fear to taking positive action so that in the future we might be pleasing to our Lord and saviour.
Verses 15-20 give us some practical ways ahead. Verse 15-16, use your time wisely. Verse 17, Don’t think your situation will ever improve without studying God’s word to see what he intends for you in this area. Fill your senses with him – when driven to seek pleasure – find your delight in him; when looking for comfort, throw yourself into his arms.
Verse 18, Stay clear of situations that might lead to immorality, and instead put yourself in the place where you will be filed with the Spirit – in God’s word. Verse 19-20 value the restraining and encouraging benefit of being around God’s people.
Friends in the face of the constant pressure to sexual compromise in our sex-saturated world, there is forgiveness and hope in Christ and ultimately true pleasure and real intimacy if only we would be done with cheap substitutes and go for the really satisfying.
Amen