Understanding our Grief
Jay E Adams
Grief may be called a life- shaking sorrow over loss. Grief tears life to shreds; it shakes one from top to bottom. It pulls us loose. We come apart at the seams. Grief is nothing less than a life shattering loss. The English word bereaved literally is to be broken up. During grief other emotions like anger, guilt and fear are often involved and they get tangled together with deep penetrating soul sorrow. Here are a number of thoughts to keep in the front of our minds as we either experience grief or seek to serve those who are grieving.
Our attitude is important. Each of us knows we are going to die. What we believe about life, death, grief, sin, guilt and salvation towards God will have a real impact on ourselves and those we seek to serve. What we believe about heaven and hell and the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ all put grief into perspective and give us hope. As Christians we can only make sense of our grief when we see it through God’s big story of creation; our fall, Jesus’ life and death over sin and the renewing of our bodies in a new heaven and earth without death, sorrow or tears. What amazing good news and hope we have to comfort ourselves with and share with those struggling with grief in our community at this sad time.
There is a difference between grief and despair. The Bible says those who aren’t Christ’s grieve without hope. The Apostle says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 “We sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.”” Faith in the midst of grief looks to the not yet and says, “I believe it shall be.”
Prepare for grief. Grieving is affected by hope or lack of it. Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 prepares them for grief, ” But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep.” Then He gives them detailed information that generates hope that carries them through it. So we must prepare for grief just like we do marriage or child birth but sadly it is often neglected.
Last week we considered the fact that grief is a life-shaking sorrow over loss. We noted that our attitude is important, that there is a difference between grief and despair and that we need to prepare ourselves for grief.
Today we want to conclude by looking at the grief process. This process is made up of three stages; Shock, Disorganization and Reorganization. The first is Shock; a short period of experiencing numbness, being stunned, bewildered and maybe hysterical. These can include feelings of guilt or hostility directed at those trying to bring comfort. This is the time to be there; little if anything needs or should be said.
The second stage is Disorganization. This presents in waves of bodily discomfort deep down inside. There may be sighs, feelings of being drained emotionally, emptiness and a sense of unreality. Guilt often comes to the surface particularly if there was unresolved bitterness and resentment within the bereaved towards the deceased. Those with these unresolved issues need to be lovingly encouraged to repent before God. Family and friends need to recognize this is a time of great difficulty for the bereaved. Old fields are being ploughed up and old roads re-routed. He or she realizes there must be radical changes, that they can no longer go on as they once did. Here is an opportunity for the rubbish to be cleared and for something new to be built. As re-evaluation of ones life takes place there may be a realization that I have been angry or fearful or struggled with sinful habits.
Next comes the stage of Reorganization. This is the positive side of grief but often the most neglected. Friends and family return to their everyday lives but now the griever must make many decisions that will affect the rest of their lives. Now is the time for radical change, that God requires. Through loving and patient counsel by a godly Pastor or mature Christian friend or family member the person can be helped to set biblical goals for the future. Now is the God given opportunity for radical change based on the hope and power that Christ offers in the gospel. Then grief becomes truly good because its fruit is life changing.
Adapted from “Grief as a counselling opportunity” by Dr Jay E Adams